Just over a year ago I was getting into year number six of unwanted singleness...now look at me...you just never know what is around the corner!
Many of you know my story by now: I'm the half of Project Love that really struggled with my love life. For years. While Vicki barely spent a moment of her twenties feeling heart broken or without a boyfriend, I spent my twenties and early thirties in turmoil when it came to my love life.
I was not one of those people who breezily skipped through my single years feeling it was an empowered and conscious choice to be single so that I could spread my wings and fly on whatever whims caught my fancy (although I sometimes liked to give that impression).
I wanted to be in a relationship. And yet, no matter how hard I tried, I found myself landing nothing more than 2 month excitements that dwindled as fast as they'd sparked up, or worse, 2 year non-commital confusions that limped along until finally the other one decided to commit...to someone else.
So I know what it's like to be single for years wondering if it's ever going to happen.
As I blasted through my 30th birthday single and year after year passed me by, I started to think that maybe it just wasn't going to happen for me. I oscillated between a sort of valiant resignation (the rest of my life was great so maybe this was my appointed area of sufferance that balanced out the good stuff in all the other areas) and quiet sad despair.
So now as I return from a week away celebrating our one year anniversary in the sun, with a man who I love so much it still amazes me on a daily basis, who is at once the greatest friend, lover and dance partner I could ever wish to have, who makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, who leaves me feeling totally secure, free and lit up in the way he loves me and with whom I'm soon to have a baby (6 weeks to go!), I want to send out a message to all of you who are starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen for you.
It can and it will happen for you. You aren't unlucky in love, there is nothing wrong with you, but there could be something wrong with the way you've been going about things when it comes to your love life and YOU have the power to change that.
Because I am living proof that you can turn things around no matter how hopeless you think it is and no matter how hard you've already been trying.
So today I want to share with you my top 5 tips on what to do when you really really want to be in a great relationship, but it just doesn't seem to be happening for you.
Here is how to turn it around:
1. Admit that you're stuck. Really stuck...and then get help
I could have saved myself years of heartbreak if I had just asked for help earlier and admitted that I was really stuck when it came to my love life. The problem was I was embarrassed to admit it. It felt like such failure. I would have been far happier admitting that I was stuck when it came to my career, my health, even my happiness, but not love. Surely that was something I was supposed to be able to just do. And so on I went, feeling sure that things would just magically change. If I hadn't finally admitted to Vicki just how stuck I really was and asked her to help me then I'm pretty sure I'd still be stuck in a singleness that I didn't want, making the same repeated mistakes again and again with the wrong guys. And Project Love would certainly not exist.
So if you're anything like I was and are hoping that things will just figure themselves out when it comes to your love life, then stop that immediately and admit that you are stuck and could do with some help. Then go out and find the right people to help you...we're here ready and waiting ;)
2. Find examples of women that really inspire you who are in great relationships...and learn from them
I struggled for a long time thinking that I was too intimidating for men and that guys didn't fancy women like me. I thought that if I wanted to be in a relationship I was going to have to tone myself down, change who I was and become a different kind of person - one that was desirable to men. So sometimes I tried that. It didn't work out well. What DID work was to find examples of women I loved - my kind of women - who also happened to be in great relationships. That was the inspiration and reassurance I needed to finally believe that it really was possible for me to be able to be ME and be in a great relationship.
3. Confront your fears and negative beliefs around yourself, men and relationships, when it comes to love
Now I look back I can't believe I thought I was 'ready and open to love'. It was like thinking I could grow roses in a bed of weeds. I had so much crap in the way that I just didn't see. So many negative, limiting and unhelpful beliefs around men, myself and dating. As Vicki and I started to dig we found more and more of it. And so we got to work on each of those limiting beliefs and blasted through them until that garden was free of weeds and I was ready to let love flourish in my life. After that it was only a matter of time...
4. Cultivate an amazing relationship with the most important person of all in your life: YOU
This is a topic that I NEVER grow tired of - it's my favourite part of our programme. Learning to love myself was the best thing I could have ever done. If that was why I needed to be single for so long - so that I finally found my way back to me - then I will happily take the years of frustration and heartbreak. Because having learnt to love myself and now making that a key part of my life has changed everything. Every thing.
Your whole experience of life changes when you become the source of love in your life and what I found, and what many of our clients have also since found, is that once you get into THAT, all urgency to be in a relationship fades away and then, of course, that relationship finally turns up.
5. Welcome love in to your life rather than chasing it down
This was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. I'm a natural go-getter in life - my success in most areas in my life has been down to the fact that I've gone after things and not stopped until I've got them. And so, naturally, I thought that if I applied that to men, eventually it would work...well you already know how that worked out.
A woman chasing after a man, no matter how subtle she might think she is being, really isn't that attractive. It's just not the feminine approach to life and if there is one area in life it's good to embrace the feminine, it's in our love lives. I thought for a long time that meant having to be more girly, weaker, subservient, just NOT ME. But that is NOT what being feminine is all about. There is so much power to our feminine side. All you have to do is sit still, happy and fulfilled and feeling loved in your own space, welcome love IN and people will come to YOU.
It's like a kind of magic. It's called doing it the feminine way ;)
And so there are my top tips for getting unstuck when you've all but given up hope on your love life.
If I can do it, then you definitely can.
If you are feeling stuck in your love and dating life then take a look at our definitive guide to finding love, 'Get Ready for Love' - the 30 day online course to revolutionise your love life.
x Selina
