PODCAST SHOW | Top 10 Lessons Learnt from 28 Days of Self Love

We practiced self love for 28 days straight, along with nearly 1,000 other ladies all over the world (from London to Tel Aviv and Argentina to Arizona) as part of our campaign '28 Days of Love' (which launchd on Valentines Day this year) .

What we discovered really surprised us! One of the biggest learnings was how much our ego resists anything new and positive in our lives. Check out our podcast to find out more and hear our top 10 lessons learnt 

As always, we'd love to hear what you think (leave us a comment below / tweet us) and if you like it, share the love with the other wonderful women in your life

X Vicki and Selina

The secret to success? Having a team of empowered women around you

“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of successful women who have her back”

Imagine what it would be like to have a team of women in your life that are committed to helping you make your dreams come true.

Women who want to see you live a life you love, who know what projects you are currently working on, who cheer you on, help you when you get stuck and who are truly committed to you fulfilling your dreams and ambitions.

What would you do if you had a team like that behind you? What would you dare to have a go at, knowing that you had a group of women committed to supporting you and helping you along the way?

Well, inspired by Nisha Moodley’s Global Sisterhood Day (19th March), we want to get you having a go at creating a team just like that for yourself and your friends.

All you need to do is grab a couple of women that you think are great and invite them over for a couple of hours to get into some deep, meaningful and empowering conversations – sending them this blog post so that they know what it’s all about.

And don’t go thinking that this isn’t for people like you and your friends.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done this kind of thing before. It might be the first time you’ve sat down and shared about your dreams and ambitions in a group or talked openly about the things that are challenging you. The idea of it might even make you feel a little bit nervous or uncomfortable at first.

Even more reason to do it.

Because too many of us rush around in life thinking that we have to do it all on our own, never taking the time to stop and celebrate our successes with others or ask for the help that we need. It’s exhausting, it’s lonely and it’s unnecessary.

So when we create teams with other women and meet up regularly to share what we’re up to in life, what we’re wanting to make happen and the challenges we are coming up against, when we let other people support and help us, it really can make a huge difference to our lives and how we live them.

It certainly has done for me.

For the past two years I’ve met up with a couple of friends on a monthly basis to talk about what we’re up to in our lives, share and celebrate the good stuff that is going on and get help with the challenges that we are facing.

It has had a profound impact on each and every one of us in the group.

Our lives, careers and relationships have flourished in the two years since we started our group and it’s an incredible feeling to see how far we’ve each come in those two years and to know that we helped one another to get there.

Because when you know you have a group of women behind you, supporting you, you dare to go after the dreams that you might not otherwise have had the courage to go for. Because you no longer feel that you’re doing it alone.

So are you ready to give it a go?

Here is how to start your own group

1.     Shoot an email out to 2-6 women that you know (and think are great) and invite them to give this a go. Send them this blog post so that they get what it is about.

2.     Fix a date you can all do – if there is quite a group of you then use http://doodle.com/ to find a date.  

3.     Download Nisha Moodley’s guide to running a Sisterhood Circle (we now use this format every time we meet – it’s so simple and so powerful)

4.     Get some snacks in

5.     Let the teamwork begin

On the night itself

The purpose of the evening is for you each to have a chance to talk about what is going on for you in your life right now. What there is to be grateful for and a challenge you are facing at the moment in any area of your life. At that point the other women in the group can offer their compassion, support, love and any wise words or suggestions they have to offer that might help you deal with your challenge or even find a solution to it.

Aim to give each person about 20 minutes of air time.

At the end, each take it in turns to set an intention – an attitude you’re going to adopt or a commitment you’re going to make moving forward - that will help you to flourish.

And that is it.

All there is to do after that is book in your next meet-up and keep it going throughout the year and just see how your life flourishes when you have a tribe of women behind you.

As ever, let us know how it goes.

X Selina

3 awesome women that have inspired + shaped the way we think about love | In celebration of Women's Day

Happy #InternationalWomensDay!

To celebrate all things woman today, we wanted to share with you 3 incredible women who have inspired us over the years - both professionally and personally - and who have shaped the way we think about love

1. Brene Brown | It’s Brene for so many reasons! She has taught us about the power of vulnerability and the importance of revealing our true selves, even when we're shit scared to do it. Through the many books we’ve read of hers over the years. we’ve learnt about courage, compassion and connection and how they are key to living and loving authentically.

Brene is possibly Project Love’s most quoted woman - we talk about her in workshops, at speaking gigs, during coaching sessions and online through our courses and blog (so much that it’s getting a bit weird now..). If you know of her, you’ll know why. And if you don’t then check out her now famous TED talk to get acquainted

Our favourite Brene quote:
“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging”

Thank you Brene for giving us the gift of imperfection, for showing us how to dare greatly, how to live a wholehearted life annnnnnnd for the tools to rise strong when we fall.

2. Brenda Shoshanna | She is a psychologist, relationship expert , Zen practitioner and the author of a book that completely transformed our whole understanding and approach to love.

In Zen and The Art of Falling in Love, Brenda offers a unique understanding of love and relationships that is beautifully illustrated through lessons from the Zen practice (although you don't have to know anything about Zen practice to get it!). I’m not going to attempt to summarise these as it would take me all day - both mine and Selina’s copy of this book have notes, scribbles and pages folded on pretty much every page, it’s THAT good.

But I will share with you one of the key lessons from the book and that is to look inside of ourselves for the love that we seek. There is nothing to fear in opening up to love, but everything to gain.

“When we sit, we open our own treasure house. Rather than do this, however, most of us first seek to find the treasures another person can provide. We calculate their value to us. When we approach relationships in this manner, we are coming as beggars, seeing the other as a source of supply. When we can enter a relationship with our treasure house already open, there is no end to the wonders we can find, both within and between ourselves and another”.

3. Marianne Williamson | Selina and I were lucky enough to see her speak last Easter, she speaks with such an urgency that I’ve never come across before. Her book “A Return to Love” was released back in the 90’s but it’s still as relevant today as it was then. Based on the metaphysical text “A Course in Miracles”, she makes the distinction between fear vs love and that we can’t have one without the other.

“Love is to fear as light is to dark; in the presence of one, the other cannot exist. So wherever there is a place of fear in your life, think of one thing -- even if it's just a thought you can think, where you can generate love to cast out the fear.”

When we’re feeling stuck in love, she says it’s rarely through a lack of love and rather, a mental block to our awareness of its presence. This thinking inspired a lesson in our Get Ready for Love course called “Love is all Around You”. If we take our focus away from where love is lacking in our life and turn our attention and focus on where love is flourishing and growing in our life already then we can train the mind to focus on the good shit (rather than focusing on the bullshit.. which we all have a tendency to do sometimes, right?). This shifts us from a mindset of lack and scarcity into a mindset of abundance. And how do we do that? Through the practice of gratitude (here is an app that can help you get into the gratitude groove).  

Through Marianne, we have learned about the power of forgiveness and how it is the most important practice in any journey of healing. But she reassures us that it’s not always easy! It starts with willingness, we can be willing to forgive those that hurt us because when we don’t, the only person we punish is ourselves. It is the purest act of love there is.

These three women have had SUCH a big effect on us and how we think about love and life and it’s such an honour to share them here with you.

Who are the women that have inspired you - comment to let us know! Let’s celebrate them and let’s celebrate each other today.. and every day that follows actually..

Vicki x
    
If you enjoyed this then share the love on FB and Twitter

"Project Love’s Selina Barker And Vicki Burtt: The Relationship Gurus Women Need Right Now"

Thank you to the gorgeous Naomi from LifeStyle Edit for this beautiful piece on Project Love and her own personal experiences of looking for love.

Read it here: http://www.thelifestyleedit.com/project-loves-selina-barker-and-vicki-burtt-the-relationship-gurus-women-need-right-now/

Why it’s good to sulk in the name of self-love

When it comes to self-love we can all too easily fall into the trap of thinking that it is about feeling happy and positive twenty four seven.

That that is somehow the goal.

To never have a bad day and always have a smile on your face.

But being positive and happy 100% of the time is unrealistic and not at all what self-love is about. 

Try being happy and only ever having positive thoughts and feelings and you will suffocate yourself.

Self-love is not about being happy all the time. It’s about being real - tweet it!

So when you’re having an off day and feeling crappy, the self-love way is not to try and run from it or cover it up (that will actually just make it worse). The self-love way is to lean into it, sit with whatever you’re feeling. Embrace it. Welcome it in.

Because as you embrace and honour how you’re feeling, you embrace and honour you. As you lean fully into how you are feeling, you lean more fully into you.

And that is what self-love is all about: accepting yourself fully, exactly as you are and exactly as you are feeling, in any given moment. 

But even more than that, really feeling your feelings gives you power. 

Because when you listen in to your feelings, without judging them or running from them, and instead ask 'Where is this coming from? What can I learn?' you will find that these feelings can act as powerful guides - showing you where you need to change something - either in your life or in your attitude. Or where you simply need to practice more self-love.

Using your negative feelings in this way is a key tool in creating and living a wholehearted life. 

It's also incredibly liberating. There is something deliciously rebellious about being allowed to sulk in the name of self-love.

 So next time you wake up on the wrong side of bed and feel in a funk. Don’t fight it. Lean into it. Wrap it up in love and discover what these feelings are here to teach you...

Here is an exercise to help you do it:

Step 1: Let yourself FEEL how you’re feeling

Take a moment to sit quietly with your eyes closed.Then say out loud how you're feeling:

'I feel... <insert feeling>'

Keep repeating it, gently, over and over and feel the weight of it lifting as you start to fully embrace how you're feeling without resisting it, judging it or making yourself feel bad for feeling it.

Step 2: What is triggering these feelings?

When you’ve got comfortable with how you’re feeling and have fully allowed yourself to be with it, then you can explore where these feelings are coming from, what they are showing you and what you can do about it.  

It might help to write things down as you do this.

Here are some questions you can use to help yourself identify why you are feeling like this, what has triggered this feeling and what you can do about it. 

·      Where is this all coming from?

·      Did something specific happen that made you feel this way?

·      Is there an area of your life that just isn’t making you happy?

·      Has someone hurt or upset you with something they have said or done (whether they meant to or not)? 

·      Are you the one making yourself unhappy with unrealistic expectations, by being too harsh on yourself, piling on pressure, comparing yourself to others, criticising yourself?

·      Are there things out of your control that are upsetting you?

Step 3: What can you do about it?

Once you’ve identified where these feelings are coming from, ask yourself what can you do about it? How can you deal with this situation in a positive and loving way?

·       Is it time to bring about a change in your life, big or small? What can you do to get that started?

·       Is there something missing from your life that you need to bring into it, like creativity, a daily spiritual practice or exercise? What can you do to get that into your life starting this week? 

·       Has someone hurt you and you need to have a conversation with them? How can you approach it with love and compassion?

·       Have you been hurting yourself by being too harsh on yourself, comparing yourself to others or putting unrealistic expectations on yourself? If so, how can you make it up to yourself? What messages of love, support and forgiveness can you offer yourself right now? 

·       Do you need to simply surrender and accept that there are things right now that you cannot change? In which case what can you do to give yourself the love, nourishment and support you need, as you go through this challenging time?

Once you have come up with a positive step you can take, all is left is to go and do it. 

It is a simple practice but so powerful and  as you get more into it you will find that you start to actually value your funky days and those negative emotions and  will stop seeing them so much as 'negative' and you'll start seeing them more as feelings that are here to guide you.

So give it a go next time you are feeling sad, upset or angry and let us know how it goes!

X Selina

50 ways to practice self-love

In 3 years of helping women get ready for love and make love last, we’ve found that success and confidence in love usually boils down to one thing: Self-love.

But while most of us know that self love is important, the challenge is knowing HOW the hell to actually do it!

So to celebrate the day of lurrrrve, we’ve compiled 50 ways that you can start flexing that self-muscle and make Valentine's Day all about YOU. Because you are really really awesome.

1. Buy yourself flowers
2. Make yourself a playlist that makes you happy
3. Take yourself off to an exhibition
4. Cook a delicious dinner just for you
5. Treat yourself to a bubble bath and a good book
6. Wear bright red lipstick for the day
7. Enjoy a Sunday lie in
8. Walk in the park listening to an audio book
9. 20 mins meditation snuggled up in bed
10. Write a love letter to yourself
11. Take a nap
12. Visit a place that inspires you
13. Pyjamas and trashy mags night
14. Walk along the canal
15. Write down 10 things you’re grateful for today
16. Take yourself out for tea and cake
17. Breakfast date with yourself
18. Make yourself a superfoods smoothie
19. Eat ice cream in bed
20. Dance round the flat
21. Sing in the shower
22. Watch a TED talk to feel inspired
23. Go to a yoga class
24. Cycle to visit a friend
25. Treat yourself to a massage
26. Catch a morning dance class before work
27. Learn to roller skate in the park with friends
28. Do your nails (or get them done)
29. Have a craft evening - make something for your home
30. Buy yourself a box of dark or raw chocolates
31. Listen to an uplifting podcast on your way to work
32. Start reading a new book
33. Watch your all time favourite film
34. A night playing or listening to live music
35. Make yourself breakfast in bed
36. Enjoy a rom-com and a pamper night
37. Try out a new recipe
38. Borrow someone’s dog for the day
39. Morning run
40. Buy yourself a gift for £10
41. Sunday papers in PJs
42. An afternoon taking photos of things you love
43. Evening without phones, laptops, ipads, TV - anything with a screen!
44. Have an hour longer in bed
45. Take a trip to a place you’ve always wanted to visit
46. Walk around all day like you’re Beyonce
47. Treat yourself to a solo date at the cinema
48. Do something that makes you laugh
49. Snuggle in with a cup of tea in bed
50. Buy yourself new lingerie

And with that, a very happy happy Valentine’s from us!

We’d love to see what you get up to - let us know on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter using the hashtag #28daysoflove2016

x Vicki and Selina

Self-love: a Mama’s Secret Weapon

Brene Brown said it: “You can only love your child as much as you love yourself”

Ouch.

Whether you’re a mother or not, that statement is a hard one to swallow.

Because most of us know that the love we want to give to our children is far more than the love we give to ourselves.

And it’s really no surprise. Because most of us have not been brought up to recognise the power and importance of self-love, even less so when we become parents.

As mothers we are hard-wired to believe that to be a 'good' mother we should think only of our children. That we shouldn’t need to practice self-love, that we shouldn’t need anything more than the fulfilment of being a mother. Our families come first and our role as mother should be all the fulfilment we need.

But that couldn't be further from the truth.

A mother who doesn’t feed herself up on love and who doesn’t practice powerful self-care, isn’t some kind of dream mum. She is a mother on a short fuse, a mother who will get easily frustrated and secretly resentful at the demands of her family, a mother who will burn out on a regular basis and have little to give at the end of the day, to herself, her partner or even her kids.

Neglecting her own needs so that she can focus on the needs of her children, sacrificing her own happiness so that she can be the ‘good’ mother, doesn’t work.

What works is learning to love yourself. To take that delicious and abundant love that you pour into your children and turn it in on yourself too.

Because a mother who looks after herself and her needs, who nourishes herself, who takes care of herself and who feeds herself with love, is a mother who is happy.

And a mother who is happy, creates a happy and healthy home for the rest of her family.

Self-love is this mother's power.

She knows that when she is practicing self-love and self-care, she is filled up and has plenty of time and energy to give to her family. She knows that when she is taking care of her own needs she is much better at recognising and taking care of the needs of those she loves. And above all, she knows that when she is practicing self-love, she is showing her children how to do it too. And that is the greatest gift you can give to any child, because it is the key to a happy and fulfilled life.

So practicing self-love and deep self-care when you are a mother, isn’t just a nice-to-have and it certainly isn’t self-indulgent. Quite the opposite. Learning to love yourself as a mother is the best thing you could possibly do for you and your family.

So how do you do it? How do you learn to love yourself?

Well, at Project Love, we get people started on what we call ‘Daily Acts of Love’: doing just one conscious, loving thing for yourself each day.

It could be making sure you feed yourself with a nourishing breakfast as well as the kids, treating yourself to a soak in the bath at the end of the day, buying yourself a bunch of flowers.

Just doing that one loving thing for yourself each day makes ALL the difference. Because with each act of love, you are giving yourself the message that ‘I matter, I care, I am loved’. And that alone can change everything.

It really is that simple and that powerful.

Which is why we have launched #28DaysofLove2016 - a free self-love campaign that gets you into the habit of doing one loving thing for yourself every day and discovering just what a difference it makes when you start to do that.

It kicks off this Sunday and we want to invite mums everywhere to join in.

So pop your email below, send this post around amongst the mamas that you know and let's start teaching our kids how self-loving is done!

X Selina

(Co-founder of Project Love and mama to little Sammy)

You can also grab your free Self Love for Busy Women audio workshop here.

We are hijacking Valentine's Day with #28daysoflove2016 - JOIN IN!

via GIPHY

Waaaaaaah we are so excited!

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and as ever we have hijacked it.

And this time we have gone ALL OUT and created something really special for you all.

Get ready for...

#28DaysofLove2016 is our brand new online campaign designed to get you, and all the amazing women you know, hooked on self-love by discovering how simple and how powerful it really is.

Because what we’ve found is that whilst we know that self-love is important, the challenge is knowing HOW the hell to do it. And that is what this campaign is all about. It will show you how to start exercising that self-love muscle so that it becomes a natural part of your day to day.

It’s super simple to use and really fun to do.

And it's free!

Check it out over here

We genuinely cannot wait to do this course ourselves and we hope you’ll join us!

All you have to do is pop your name below and you're ready to go!

x Selina and Vicki

Designing a Life of Love in 2016

We’re celebrating Valentine’s day this year by inviting ladies, single and in relationships, to join us at Frame to talk about ‘How to design a life of love in 2016’.

This is a topic that we're SO passionate about and one that Selina has been teaching for over 10 years. The key message being that living a life you love doesn’t happen by accident. It’s up to you to design it that way.

That’s why, when we’re helping women to get ready for love, we make sure they are taking full charge of their own lives and their happiness.

Because we are each responsible for our own happiness, it’s no-one else’s job. And when you take your life in both your hands and realise that you are the artist that creates the life that you are living, life suddenly becomes incredibly exciting and full of possibility.

So what would a life full of love look like to you? And how do you go from having a picture of what you want your life to look like to actually making that the life you live?

Well, that is what life design is all about. It teaches you how to first figure out what will make you feel happy, fulfilled and truly alive in life and then how to fill your life up with those ingredients.

BUT. And this is a big but. Life design is NOT about creating a vision of a perfect life and then trying to force your life to look exactly like that. Not at all. Life design is about approaching life like an artist.

Artists often have a vision of what they want to create, but they allow that vision to shift shape and take new directions as they go. They allow for accidents to happen, they’re not afraid to make mistakes. They learn from all of it. And that is how we encourage people to approach the art of life design.

Get clear on what makes you happy, yes, but also get curious about what makes you happy.

Experiment. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

Enjoy having a vision of what you want to create, yes, but remember not to get too hung up on exactly what that life should look like.

Design a space in which you will thrive and then see what grows in that space.

We’d love you to join us on the 14th Feb at Frame Shoreditch to learn how to design a space in which you can thrive and feel full of love in 2016.

BOOK NOW: How to Design a Life of Love in 2016, 14th February.

X Selina and Vicki

The 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' guide is here!

We have a little end of year gift for our Project Love followers that we wanted to get to you before the Christmas madness sweeps you away altogether.

It's an end-of-year exercise called 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' that Selina first designed back in 2010 and that we and our friends now do every year to mark the end of one year and begin the next.

It's such a beautiful and powerful way to give thanks for the year we have just been through (even with the challenges and heartache it may have involved) and step into a fresh new year feeling excited, inspired and empowered. And so we wanted to share it with you so that you can do it this year too.

The exercise itself is simple to do and a beautiful process to go through. It takes you through a series of questions that have you reflecting on the year that has come to an end: the highs, the lows, the laughter, the tears and all that you've learnt along the way. And then it takes you through a simple life design process where you look to the future and decide what it is you want to create next in your life, setting an intention that inspires you with practical commitments to do daily, weekly, monthly and at least once inthe year that will bring that intention to life.

Last year when Vicki did it she marked her intention for the year ahead as "making positive contributions and making a difference. F*** it, changing women's lives!". Well it's been an amazing year for Project Love and Vicki's been getting great testimonials from her 121 clients which show just how much she's been fulfilling on her intention: "I can't really explain how it happened or what Vicky did but over the course of the six sessions and through the communication between each session, I came to feel not just better about the break-up but 'better' and happier in myself than I think I ever have done." Whoop!

Meanwhile this year Selina is making it her year of 'TEAM' because with a little 5 month old baby and big ambitions for Project Love next year, creating loving, supportive teams with her boyfriend, family, friends, and of course Vicki, will make it a year in which she, her baby, her business and her relationships will all flourish. The very idea of it gets her feeling excited and full of love.

So what will have you flourish this year? What do you want your 2016 to be all about?

Come and join us in doing the 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' guide and find out.

As this is a gift to our Project Love followers then you'll either find this already delivered to you via your inbox and if you're not signed up to our delicious love bytes then sign up here and we'll send you Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016 right away!

We hope you love it as much as us and do let us know here in the comments or over on Facebook or Twitter what you're going to make your 2016 all about and why. We love hearing what other people are going to do and sharing your intention gives real power to it...just try it and you'll see ;)

X Selina & Vicki

Sunday is for simple pleasures

We'd like to invite you today to join us in a Sunday ritual that we've really got into recently:

Turning Sunday into a day for simple pleasures.

Simple pleasures are the little things in life that tend to have a timeless quality to them: buying fresh flowers, having breakfast in bed, a long soak in the bath, curling up on the sofa to read a book, baking a cake, a walk along the river, a yoga class, an afternoon of dancing around your living room to your favourite music...etc.

Treating ourselves to regular simple pleasures is a great way to keep that self-love muscle in shape.

And in the mad rush that life can so often become, making Sunday a day for simple pleasures literally has us stop and smell the roses. It brings us into the present, makes us grateful for the little things in life and has us make time for them.

Last Sunday we asked the ladies in the Love Tribe what simple pleasures they had been up to and here are just some of the answers we got...

"Treated myself to a facial and cooked a fave dinner - I feel very content and grateful for life today"

"Added chocolate chips to my pancakes"

"Sat in a cafe for a couple of hours and browsed online potential vacation spots"

"Run with friends this morning and massage this afternoon"

"I just got in from panorama bar and danced on my own for hours! Loving it"

And so today we want to invite you to join us in this new Sunday ritual too:

Take a little time out today and do something simple for yourself that gives you pleasure.

And then come and let us know over on the Love Tribe (our gorgeous FB group) what you got up to.

Ooh and share photos of you enjoying simple pleasures with us over on instagram @loveprojectlove using the hashtag #sundayisforsimplepleasures

And let's get everyone making Sunday a day for simple pleasures.Spread the love by sharing the image above on instagram, twitter or FB (and share a link to this post) and let's get everyone into it.

Let's make every Sunday a day for simple pleasures!

x Selina

P.S. The LOVE TRIBE is our private gang on FB where ladies like you gather to talk about love. If you're not yet a member, then just click here and ask to join and we'll welcome you in!
 

PODCAST SHOW | The Loving Way of Dating

What does it mean to approach dating in a loving way, in an era of swiping left and right?

What impact does believing common dating myths have on our self worth?

And how can we give up the game when it comes to dating?

These are just some of the questions that we answer in our latest podcast - 'The Loving Way of Dating', recorded especially for our good friends at Frame. 

Listen in as we share our top 5 tips on how you can step out of a fearful place and into a loving space around dating. A space where you can relax, take the pressure off meeting "the one", have some fun and dare to be you. 

With love,

X Vicki and Selina

Look who the new resident 'agony aunts' are over at Frame!

If you're following us online then you might have noticed that we have teamed up with FRAME as their resident 'Agony Aunts' this month!

For those of you in London, if you haven't heard of Frame then it's high time you did. They provide a whole new approach to fitness, making it fun, creative and exciting. In fact they were one of our top inspirations when we first started Project Love, so we are over the moon to be partnering with them.

Check out our first post on '5 ways to get more love flowing into your life' and there are more to come (we have Self Love for beginners later this week) so make sure you are following us on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook (or all three!) to catch them when they go live.

Then on the 20th November, we’ll be hosting a Twitter takeover @MoveYourFRAME, answering your questions and kicking off all sorts of conversations about love from 12-1pm.

Come and join us on twitter and send us your burning questions tagging @MoveYourFRAME @_ProjectLove_ and #frameagonyaunts.

And finally (phew what a month!) on the 26th November we'll be taking over Frame’s brand spanking new studio in Kings Cross, hosting a talk on 'How to be a Good Lover'.

Tickets can be brought here.

With love, from a very excited,

Vicki and Selina x

PODCAST SHOW | Project Love Real Love Stories | Vicki Interviews Sam Garas

It's time we invited the guys along to share their real love stories and first up we have Sam Garas, from East London. 

Listen in to hear Sam share his lessons in love where he talks openly about how he got together with his wife Alice, bonding over feminism, what surprised him about marriage, learning from each other and helping each other to grow.

Leave your comments below and if you enjoyed this podcast then share the love on Facebook, Twitter and beyond!

V x

My unapologetic self

Shani, this dazzling lady in the picture, is one of the many fabulous women doing our Get Ready for Love course. As she got to the end of the course recently she shared how it had empowered and changed her whole outlook, not just on love and relationships, but on herself (which is what Project Love is ultimately all about) and above all it had her finally realise how loveable she really is and that it was time to STOP APOLOGISING for being who she is.

We were so moved by her message that we wanted to share it with you too…so here it is, over to you Shani!

“There are many powerful lessons I will take with me from the course but here’s my “bottom line:

I am done apologizing for who I am, for my successes, my wishes, my dreams, what I want to do, and what I’d like to wear or eat.

I never thought I was one of those women who gave up parts of themselves, or made themselves smaller just for the sake of being with a guy or even just for getting through a date, but the Get Ready for Love course had me take a closer look and I discovered how much I’d been selling myself short, playing small and apologizing for being who I truly am.

I was my own worst critic, holding myself to ridiculous and unrealistic standards that aspire to perfection that had me believing that I did not deserve a good and healthy relationship because I wasn’t good enough.

Suddenly I was able to look back at the many times I had sat through dates and played myself down, all the times I felt hurt by a boyfriend, friend or relative, but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make a fuss. The many times that I thought “he’s probably not interested” or “he’s probably not interested in hearing this” and how often I would say “I know this may sound stupid, but…”. All the times I felt my body or face were not pretty enough. All the times that I felt I wasn’t enough.

And here is the thing: I really am quite fabulous, if I think about it.

I am intelligent, I have interesting stories and experiences, I’m a good friend, a good listener, and I love my family. I can be super serious and I can be silly and funny. I get along with almost every type of person. I wish I could put ‘laughing until my stomach hurts’ under hobbies. When I love someone, either a friend or a lover, I love them with all of my heart, like 200% of it. I am also sensitive, creative, crafty, good gifts giver, know how to make amazing cupcakes and other stuff pretty well too. I like to travel, dance, yoga, meet new people, and I have the ability to be the last person on the dance floor at a party or a wedding without having a single alcoholic drink (I am a bad drinker). My closet contains too many sparkly clothes – because I once saw a saying: “life is a party, dress like it” and really identified with it. I had proven myself over and over again that I am determined and I can do whatever I set my mind to. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I APOLIGIZING FOR??? Not sure. I am sure it is about me being a perfectionist (but not anymore) and criticizing myself like no one else would (not anymore), and just apologizing all the freaking time, to everyone, about everything (NOT.ANY.MORE). It has been so exhausting.

Now I feel free.

So for the upcoming months I am actively practicing being done trying to be perfect and being done criticizing myself for every little thing, and definitely being done making myself smaller than what I really am.

I don’t want to be with anyone who would feel intimidated by me anyway and I want my partner to be someone who empowers me while I empower him – a mutual growth and support through our shared life.

So thank you Get Ready for Love – you’ve been eye opening and inspiring and showed me that there are many more other fabulous women like myself around the world facing the same ups and downs in different ways and similar experiences. Selina and Vicki, you two are too fabulous to even start describing – your good energy is intoxicating!

And I hope each and everyone here will find her truest self and her truest love.

Yours,
The unapologetic, Shani
XX"

5 ways to stop your perfectionism from ruining your love life (Part 2)

So last week we looked at the ways your perfectionism could be getting in the way of finding love and making it last. Read Part 1 here. 

Following on from that, here is Part 2 which shows you the 5 things you can do about it:

1. Bookend your day with “coming home” exercises

Most of us lead very high pressured, stressful lives and we get into the habit of losing ourselves to other peoples demands and expectations and feeling the pressure to be “perfect” in everything we do. When we do that, we disconnect from our core authentic self. But no matter how far we’ve strayed from our core self, we can always return home. And this is what this exercise is all about - small "me time" activities that will allow you to return home, back to your authentic self. If you favour “getting shit done” over “me-time” then this one is for you...

• List out the small bitesize “me-time” activities that you can do every day that will allow you to return home, connecting with your true self e.g. yoga stretches, meditation, journaling, gratitude, walking, running, looking at a photo that brings you joy, setting intentions for the day, simply being aware of your breath for 60 seconds  

• Choose 1 thing from your list to start the day with and 1 thing to finish it with so you can start and end the day in the right way. E.g. my “coming home” bookend exercises are 10 minutes of meditation in the mornings (using the Headspace app) and a good old gratitude sesh in the evenings (writing down at least 5 things I’m grateful for using the Gratitude app). It means that I start the day on my terms, feeling calm and connected. Then no matter what happens during the day, I go to sleep feeling grateful (this is especially powerful if you can also be grateful for the negative as well as the positive things that come up during the day).

2. Detach yourself from outcomes in dating

The next time you get asked out on a date, go with an open heart and mind and leave the measuring stick at home! Instead of judging them on what they look like and how they come across, ask yourself how you feel when you’re with them? Use your feelings as your internal GPS system. By attaching yourself to how you feel rather than the end result, you can relax about the outcome, freeing you up to enjoy the experience instead. And it’s from this place then everything becomes so much easier and more enjoyable.

3. Talk to yourself like a best friend

Go easy on yourself, especially on those days where you’re feeling like it’s NEVER going to happen for you. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a best friend. If this is alien to you then imagine that your friend is going through it and she’s asking for some advice - what advice would you give her and how would you console her and make her feel better?

4. See envy as a form of inspiration

If you usually sigh when you see a couple holding hands or find it hard to be happy for the friend who’s just got engaged (as you’re secretly a little envious), then shift that energy into inspiration instead. They are showing you what it is you really want!

5. Practice being vulnerable

You can do this in really small ways like accepting compliments when they’re given to you, asking for help and support when you need it or smiling at strangers when you’re out and about e.g. on your way into work.

These are very small but very powerful techniques - try some of them on for size and let me know how you get on by leaving a comment below, or get in touch on FB or Twitter. 

Love V x

Is your perfectionism ruining your love life? (Part 1)

As a love coach, I do a lot of work with clients one-on-one to help them turn their love life around. While the reason for coming to see me is to help them find love, I spend a lot of time removing the blocks that are getting in the way, so they can clear the space for love to grow. One of the biggest blockers is something that we all seem to be struggling with. The pressure to be perfect.

The Sanctuary (yes the one with the naked swing) have revealed some pretty alarming stats about the modern woman. As part of their #LetGo campaign, they polled a panel of women and found that a shocking 7 out of 10 of us feel under pressure to be the “perfect woman”. And 80 per cent of the women they polled said that they put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect even though they accomplish an average of 26 tasks a day. And perhaps the saddest result of them all is that 80% of them don’t feel good enough.

And this is something that I see with clients on a regular basis. I predominantly work with single women in their 30’s who are successful in their lives and careers but are stuck in their love lives and don’t know what to do about it. Some of them are self confessed perfectionists and for others it’s more in the background. What lies at the heart of this pattern of perfectionism is the damaging belief that you’re not worthy and deserving of love, just as you are. And it’s self-perpetuating, as the more you believe that you’re not worthy of love, just as you are, then the more you perfect. And the more you perfect, the more you reinforce that belief to be true. It’s like a snowball, the more you reinforce it, the stronger it gets.

What does perfectionism feel like and look like?

Well on the inside it’s thinking that you’re not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough and not smart enough. It’s the disappointment you feel by not having achieved what you want to in love. It’s being highly critical of yourself and going into self sabotage mode when something bad happens. It’s seeing a couple holding hands in the street and thinking “I’m alone”. It’s blaming yourself when the guy you’re seeing says he’s not feeling it anymore and asking yourself “if I was better, would he still be with me?”. It’s the fear to reveal your true self on a date just in case he thinks you’re “a bit much” or not fun enough / not interesting enough / not cool enough. It’s that sense of urgency, that ticking clock and the feeling like you should be married by now and the fact that you’re not means there’s something wrong with you.

And on the outside, it’s going into “fix it” mode to deal with the hard stuff like vulnerability, or the emotional rollercoaster of online dating, working out strategies to conquer it once and for all. It’s not saying how you really feel so you can play it cool. It’s getting your measuring stick out after a first date and seeing how much they stack up against the guy on your perfect man checklist. It’s not expressing your needs so you don’t offend anyone. It’s saying yes when you feel like you can’t say no. It’s people pleasing. It’s not rocking the boat. It’s not giving too much away on a first date. It’s not opening up and letting your guard down for fear of being judged. It’s toning yourself down and playing small in order to be liked. It’s writing a guy off too soon if he doesn’t show you he can be your life partner after date 2. It’s being highly critical of others and judging them on how they look and what job they do and then gossiping about those things to friends. It’s performing to gain approval from others to win their affection like it’s a prize to be won. It’s favouring “getting shit done” over me-time. It’s being defensive when your parents collar you and ask why you haven’t found someone to “settle down” with yet. It’s priding yourself on never needing to ask for help. It’s brushing off compliments. It’s comparing yourself to friends who are married with babies and feeling like they’re winning the game of life and you’re losing it.

What this means is that we’re sacrificing who we are in order to be liked. We’re chameleoning our way through dates. And in the words of Brene Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection), “we’re hustling for our worthiness”.

All of this perfecting, pleasing, performing and proving is exhausting. And it’s blocking us from finding true love and meaningful connection with ourselves and with others. It’s making us unavailable to love, because we’re not being real. If we’re not “all in” in life and love - and I mean ALL IN (embracing the good, the bad and the ugly) - then how can we truly connect with someone else?

Yes it’s uncomfortable to be ALL IN but it’s so worth it. Like with any change in life, it’s a process that we can all work through, at our own pace and in whatever capacity we have right now. We’re imperfect, enough and an evolving work in progress.

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”

— Leonard Cohen​

Next week, I will share the 5 ways to stop perfectionism from ruining your love life, which forms part 2 of this post.

Love, V x

Get out of your Head and into your Body

Sometimes what we need the most is to get out of our head and into our bodies. Especially when the shitty committee is in town (that bitchy voice that points out our failures and flaws).

This is a key part of Getting Ready for Love because our bodies have such power. They allow us to access and release emotions that are getting in the way of love from flowing and they open us up to different sides of us (sides that have been perhaps dormant for too long).

And this is what our latest podcast is all about. Check it out and have a think of the ways that you can show your body some love. Let us know over on FB or Twitter which body love activities you're going to do!

And if you're stuck for ideas (and live in London) then we can't recommend Frame enough to get into the body-love-zone - we love Frame Rave and 80's Aerobics

Vicki and Selina x

When it comes to dating, give up the game!

One of the most damaging myths about dating, that we still find being bandied around, is the idea that it’s a game. It still amazes us how often we hear of people being told by their friends that it's a game and they have to learn how to play it!

That it’s all about learning how to look, how to act and how to manipulate in the right way if you want to find a man.

And there are plenty of books and courses out there that will show you exactly how to play the game and win it – ‘Own that guy in 60 days’, ‘How to catch a man and keep him’. Of course they all play by totally different sets of rules, just to complicate things further.

Here are just some of the common nuggets of advice we find people getting tangled up in:

• Don’t contact the guy first, always wait for them to make the first move
• Wait 24 hours to respond to messages
• Don’t answer emails on weekends or holidays
• “Disappear” in between dates
• Play it cool
• Play hard to get
• Go dutch on the first date
• Don’t go dutch on the first date – let him pay
• Don’t appear too available
• Be mysterious – don’t give too much away

Ultimately this approach to dating is all about avoiding being vulnerable and avoiding ‘messing things up’ to give yourself the feeling that you’re in control.

Imagine being on a date with someone playing that game!

Approaching dating like a game will only end in tears and immediately goes against everything we say about approaching dating in a loving way (we show you exactly how to do this in our Get Ready for Love course).

When you treat it like a game you are essentially trying to control and manipulate the situation and even the other person. You are having to calculate and watch your every move so that you come across a certain way. There is nothing real, nothing authentic, nothing loving about this way of doing things.

The moment you find yourself following rules when it comes to dating then you are essentially rejecting yourself and playing at being something that you’re not.

It’s a pretty crappy game.

So if you’re finding yourself playing any kind of ‘game’ when it comes to dating, then give it up.

Give up the game.

Instead stick to these three basic principles:

• Be real
• Be honest
• Be loving

Dating and life will become so much easier when you do!

x Selina & Vicki

Our online course Get Ready for Love is NOW ON SALE!

The big day has arrived!

We are so excited and proud to announce that our online course
Get Ready for Love is NOW ON SALE!

Check it out over here!

We've rustled up a sparkly sales page over here telling you all about it, but in a nutshell this is the course where we share everything that we have learnt over the past 2 years about how to really sort out your love life once and for all.

This course takes you on the same journey that Selina went on to transform her own love life and the one we've been taking women on ever since to show them a whole new way to approach love and relationships. One that really does work.

Now it's your go to take the journey too and see what it  does for your love life!

So head over here to find out more about this course and what it will do for you and sign yourself up to start your Get Ready for Love journey today - we can't wait to see what it does for you and your love life.

x Selina & Vicki