Why it’s good to sulk in the name of self-love

When it comes to self-love we can all too easily fall into the trap of thinking that it is about feeling happy and positive twenty four seven.

That that is somehow the goal.

To never have a bad day and always have a smile on your face.

But being positive and happy 100% of the time is unrealistic and not at all what self-love is about. 

Try being happy and only ever having positive thoughts and feelings and you will suffocate yourself.

Self-love is not about being happy all the time. It’s about being real - tweet it!

So when you’re having an off day and feeling crappy, the self-love way is not to try and run from it or cover it up (that will actually just make it worse). The self-love way is to lean into it, sit with whatever you’re feeling. Embrace it. Welcome it in.

Because as you embrace and honour how you’re feeling, you embrace and honour you. As you lean fully into how you are feeling, you lean more fully into you.

And that is what self-love is all about: accepting yourself fully, exactly as you are and exactly as you are feeling, in any given moment. 

But even more than that, really feeling your feelings gives you power. 

Because when you listen in to your feelings, without judging them or running from them, and instead ask 'Where is this coming from? What can I learn?' you will find that these feelings can act as powerful guides - showing you where you need to change something - either in your life or in your attitude. Or where you simply need to practice more self-love.

Using your negative feelings in this way is a key tool in creating and living a wholehearted life. 

It's also incredibly liberating. There is something deliciously rebellious about being allowed to sulk in the name of self-love.

 So next time you wake up on the wrong side of bed and feel in a funk. Don’t fight it. Lean into it. Wrap it up in love and discover what these feelings are here to teach you...

Here is an exercise to help you do it:

Step 1: Let yourself FEEL how you’re feeling

Take a moment to sit quietly with your eyes closed.Then say out loud how you're feeling:

'I feel... <insert feeling>'

Keep repeating it, gently, over and over and feel the weight of it lifting as you start to fully embrace how you're feeling without resisting it, judging it or making yourself feel bad for feeling it.

Step 2: What is triggering these feelings?

When you’ve got comfortable with how you’re feeling and have fully allowed yourself to be with it, then you can explore where these feelings are coming from, what they are showing you and what you can do about it.  

It might help to write things down as you do this.

Here are some questions you can use to help yourself identify why you are feeling like this, what has triggered this feeling and what you can do about it. 

·      Where is this all coming from?

·      Did something specific happen that made you feel this way?

·      Is there an area of your life that just isn’t making you happy?

·      Has someone hurt or upset you with something they have said or done (whether they meant to or not)? 

·      Are you the one making yourself unhappy with unrealistic expectations, by being too harsh on yourself, piling on pressure, comparing yourself to others, criticising yourself?

·      Are there things out of your control that are upsetting you?

Step 3: What can you do about it?

Once you’ve identified where these feelings are coming from, ask yourself what can you do about it? How can you deal with this situation in a positive and loving way?

·       Is it time to bring about a change in your life, big or small? What can you do to get that started?

·       Is there something missing from your life that you need to bring into it, like creativity, a daily spiritual practice or exercise? What can you do to get that into your life starting this week? 

·       Has someone hurt you and you need to have a conversation with them? How can you approach it with love and compassion?

·       Have you been hurting yourself by being too harsh on yourself, comparing yourself to others or putting unrealistic expectations on yourself? If so, how can you make it up to yourself? What messages of love, support and forgiveness can you offer yourself right now? 

·       Do you need to simply surrender and accept that there are things right now that you cannot change? In which case what can you do to give yourself the love, nourishment and support you need, as you go through this challenging time?

Once you have come up with a positive step you can take, all is left is to go and do it. 

It is a simple practice but so powerful and  as you get more into it you will find that you start to actually value your funky days and those negative emotions and  will stop seeing them so much as 'negative' and you'll start seeing them more as feelings that are here to guide you.

So give it a go next time you are feeling sad, upset or angry and let us know how it goes!

X Selina

50 ways to practice self-love

In 3 years of helping women get ready for love and make love last, we’ve found that success and confidence in love usually boils down to one thing: Self-love.

But while most of us know that self love is important, the challenge is knowing HOW the hell to actually do it!

So to celebrate the day of lurrrrve, we’ve compiled 50 ways that you can start flexing that self-muscle and make Valentine's Day all about YOU. Because you are really really awesome.

1. Buy yourself flowers
2. Make yourself a playlist that makes you happy
3. Take yourself off to an exhibition
4. Cook a delicious dinner just for you
5. Treat yourself to a bubble bath and a good book
6. Wear bright red lipstick for the day
7. Enjoy a Sunday lie in
8. Walk in the park listening to an audio book
9. 20 mins meditation snuggled up in bed
10. Write a love letter to yourself
11. Take a nap
12. Visit a place that inspires you
13. Pyjamas and trashy mags night
14. Walk along the canal
15. Write down 10 things you’re grateful for today
16. Take yourself out for tea and cake
17. Breakfast date with yourself
18. Make yourself a superfoods smoothie
19. Eat ice cream in bed
20. Dance round the flat
21. Sing in the shower
22. Watch a TED talk to feel inspired
23. Go to a yoga class
24. Cycle to visit a friend
25. Treat yourself to a massage
26. Catch a morning dance class before work
27. Learn to roller skate in the park with friends
28. Do your nails (or get them done)
29. Have a craft evening - make something for your home
30. Buy yourself a box of dark or raw chocolates
31. Listen to an uplifting podcast on your way to work
32. Start reading a new book
33. Watch your all time favourite film
34. A night playing or listening to live music
35. Make yourself breakfast in bed
36. Enjoy a rom-com and a pamper night
37. Try out a new recipe
38. Borrow someone’s dog for the day
39. Morning run
40. Buy yourself a gift for £10
41. Sunday papers in PJs
42. An afternoon taking photos of things you love
43. Evening without phones, laptops, ipads, TV - anything with a screen!
44. Have an hour longer in bed
45. Take a trip to a place you’ve always wanted to visit
46. Walk around all day like you’re Beyonce
47. Treat yourself to a solo date at the cinema
48. Do something that makes you laugh
49. Snuggle in with a cup of tea in bed
50. Buy yourself new lingerie

And with that, a very happy happy Valentine’s from us!

We’d love to see what you get up to - let us know on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter using the hashtag #28daysoflove2016

x Vicki and Selina

Self-love: a Mama’s Secret Weapon

Brene Brown said it: “You can only love your child as much as you love yourself”

Ouch.

Whether you’re a mother or not, that statement is a hard one to swallow.

Because most of us know that the love we want to give to our children is far more than the love we give to ourselves.

And it’s really no surprise. Because most of us have not been brought up to recognise the power and importance of self-love, even less so when we become parents.

As mothers we are hard-wired to believe that to be a 'good' mother we should think only of our children. That we shouldn’t need to practice self-love, that we shouldn’t need anything more than the fulfilment of being a mother. Our families come first and our role as mother should be all the fulfilment we need.

But that couldn't be further from the truth.

A mother who doesn’t feed herself up on love and who doesn’t practice powerful self-care, isn’t some kind of dream mum. She is a mother on a short fuse, a mother who will get easily frustrated and secretly resentful at the demands of her family, a mother who will burn out on a regular basis and have little to give at the end of the day, to herself, her partner or even her kids.

Neglecting her own needs so that she can focus on the needs of her children, sacrificing her own happiness so that she can be the ‘good’ mother, doesn’t work.

What works is learning to love yourself. To take that delicious and abundant love that you pour into your children and turn it in on yourself too.

Because a mother who looks after herself and her needs, who nourishes herself, who takes care of herself and who feeds herself with love, is a mother who is happy.

And a mother who is happy, creates a happy and healthy home for the rest of her family.

Self-love is this mother's power.

She knows that when she is practicing self-love and self-care, she is filled up and has plenty of time and energy to give to her family. She knows that when she is taking care of her own needs she is much better at recognising and taking care of the needs of those she loves. And above all, she knows that when she is practicing self-love, she is showing her children how to do it too. And that is the greatest gift you can give to any child, because it is the key to a happy and fulfilled life.

So practicing self-love and deep self-care when you are a mother, isn’t just a nice-to-have and it certainly isn’t self-indulgent. Quite the opposite. Learning to love yourself as a mother is the best thing you could possibly do for you and your family.

So how do you do it? How do you learn to love yourself?

Well, at Project Love, we get people started on what we call ‘Daily Acts of Love’: doing just one conscious, loving thing for yourself each day.

It could be making sure you feed yourself with a nourishing breakfast as well as the kids, treating yourself to a soak in the bath at the end of the day, buying yourself a bunch of flowers.

Just doing that one loving thing for yourself each day makes ALL the difference. Because with each act of love, you are giving yourself the message that ‘I matter, I care, I am loved’. And that alone can change everything.

It really is that simple and that powerful.

Which is why we have launched #28DaysofLove2016 - a free self-love campaign that gets you into the habit of doing one loving thing for yourself every day and discovering just what a difference it makes when you start to do that.

It kicks off this Sunday and we want to invite mums everywhere to join in.

So pop your email below, send this post around amongst the mamas that you know and let's start teaching our kids how self-loving is done!

X Selina

(Co-founder of Project Love and mama to little Sammy)

You can also grab your free Self Love for Busy Women audio workshop here.

We are hijacking Valentine's Day with #28daysoflove2016 - JOIN IN!

via GIPHY

Waaaaaaah we are so excited!

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and as ever we have hijacked it.

And this time we have gone ALL OUT and created something really special for you all.

Get ready for...

#28DaysofLove2016 is our brand new online campaign designed to get you, and all the amazing women you know, hooked on self-love by discovering how simple and how powerful it really is.

Because what we’ve found is that whilst we know that self-love is important, the challenge is knowing HOW the hell to do it. And that is what this campaign is all about. It will show you how to start exercising that self-love muscle so that it becomes a natural part of your day to day.

It’s super simple to use and really fun to do.

And it's free!

Check it out over here

We genuinely cannot wait to do this course ourselves and we hope you’ll join us!

All you have to do is pop your name below and you're ready to go!

x Selina and Vicki

Designing a Life of Love in 2016

We’re celebrating Valentine’s day this year by inviting ladies, single and in relationships, to join us at Frame to talk about ‘How to design a life of love in 2016’.

This is a topic that we're SO passionate about and one that Selina has been teaching for over 10 years. The key message being that living a life you love doesn’t happen by accident. It’s up to you to design it that way.

That’s why, when we’re helping women to get ready for love, we make sure they are taking full charge of their own lives and their happiness.

Because we are each responsible for our own happiness, it’s no-one else’s job. And when you take your life in both your hands and realise that you are the artist that creates the life that you are living, life suddenly becomes incredibly exciting and full of possibility.

So what would a life full of love look like to you? And how do you go from having a picture of what you want your life to look like to actually making that the life you live?

Well, that is what life design is all about. It teaches you how to first figure out what will make you feel happy, fulfilled and truly alive in life and then how to fill your life up with those ingredients.

BUT. And this is a big but. Life design is NOT about creating a vision of a perfect life and then trying to force your life to look exactly like that. Not at all. Life design is about approaching life like an artist.

Artists often have a vision of what they want to create, but they allow that vision to shift shape and take new directions as they go. They allow for accidents to happen, they’re not afraid to make mistakes. They learn from all of it. And that is how we encourage people to approach the art of life design.

Get clear on what makes you happy, yes, but also get curious about what makes you happy.

Experiment. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

Enjoy having a vision of what you want to create, yes, but remember not to get too hung up on exactly what that life should look like.

Design a space in which you will thrive and then see what grows in that space.

We’d love you to join us on the 14th Feb at Frame Shoreditch to learn how to design a space in which you can thrive and feel full of love in 2016.

BOOK NOW: How to Design a Life of Love in 2016, 14th February.

X Selina and Vicki

The 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' guide is here!

We have a little end of year gift for our Project Love followers that we wanted to get to you before the Christmas madness sweeps you away altogether.

It's an end-of-year exercise called 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' that Selina first designed back in 2010 and that we and our friends now do every year to mark the end of one year and begin the next.

It's such a beautiful and powerful way to give thanks for the year we have just been through (even with the challenges and heartache it may have involved) and step into a fresh new year feeling excited, inspired and empowered. And so we wanted to share it with you so that you can do it this year too.

The exercise itself is simple to do and a beautiful process to go through. It takes you through a series of questions that have you reflecting on the year that has come to an end: the highs, the lows, the laughter, the tears and all that you've learnt along the way. And then it takes you through a simple life design process where you look to the future and decide what it is you want to create next in your life, setting an intention that inspires you with practical commitments to do daily, weekly, monthly and at least once inthe year that will bring that intention to life.

Last year when Vicki did it she marked her intention for the year ahead as "making positive contributions and making a difference. F*** it, changing women's lives!". Well it's been an amazing year for Project Love and Vicki's been getting great testimonials from her 121 clients which show just how much she's been fulfilling on her intention: "I can't really explain how it happened or what Vicky did but over the course of the six sessions and through the communication between each session, I came to feel not just better about the break-up but 'better' and happier in myself than I think I ever have done." Whoop!

Meanwhile this year Selina is making it her year of 'TEAM' because with a little 5 month old baby and big ambitions for Project Love next year, creating loving, supportive teams with her boyfriend, family, friends, and of course Vicki, will make it a year in which she, her baby, her business and her relationships will all flourish. The very idea of it gets her feeling excited and full of love.

So what will have you flourish this year? What do you want your 2016 to be all about?

Come and join us in doing the 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' guide and find out.

As this is a gift to our Project Love followers then you'll either find this already delivered to you via your inbox and if you're not signed up to our delicious love bytes then sign up here and we'll send you Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016 right away!

We hope you love it as much as us and do let us know here in the comments or over on Facebook or Twitter what you're going to make your 2016 all about and why. We love hearing what other people are going to do and sharing your intention gives real power to it...just try it and you'll see ;)

X Selina & Vicki

Sunday is for simple pleasures

We'd like to invite you today to join us in a Sunday ritual that we've really got into recently:

Turning Sunday into a day for simple pleasures.

Simple pleasures are the little things in life that tend to have a timeless quality to them: buying fresh flowers, having breakfast in bed, a long soak in the bath, curling up on the sofa to read a book, baking a cake, a walk along the river, a yoga class, an afternoon of dancing around your living room to your favourite music...etc.

Treating ourselves to regular simple pleasures is a great way to keep that self-love muscle in shape.

And in the mad rush that life can so often become, making Sunday a day for simple pleasures literally has us stop and smell the roses. It brings us into the present, makes us grateful for the little things in life and has us make time for them.

Last Sunday we asked the ladies in the Love Tribe what simple pleasures they had been up to and here are just some of the answers we got...

"Treated myself to a facial and cooked a fave dinner - I feel very content and grateful for life today"

"Added chocolate chips to my pancakes"

"Sat in a cafe for a couple of hours and browsed online potential vacation spots"

"Run with friends this morning and massage this afternoon"

"I just got in from panorama bar and danced on my own for hours! Loving it"

And so today we want to invite you to join us in this new Sunday ritual too:

Take a little time out today and do something simple for yourself that gives you pleasure.

And then come and let us know over on the Love Tribe (our gorgeous FB group) what you got up to.

Ooh and share photos of you enjoying simple pleasures with us over on instagram @loveprojectlove using the hashtag #sundayisforsimplepleasures

And let's get everyone making Sunday a day for simple pleasures.Spread the love by sharing the image above on instagram, twitter or FB (and share a link to this post) and let's get everyone into it.

Let's make every Sunday a day for simple pleasures!

x Selina

P.S. The LOVE TRIBE is our private gang on FB where ladies like you gather to talk about love. If you're not yet a member, then just click here and ask to join and we'll welcome you in!
 

PODCAST SHOW | The Loving Way of Dating

What does it mean to approach dating in a loving way, in an era of swiping left and right?

What impact does believing common dating myths have on our self worth?

And how can we give up the game when it comes to dating?

These are just some of the questions that we answer in our latest podcast - 'The Loving Way of Dating', recorded especially for our good friends at Frame. 

Listen in as we share our top 5 tips on how you can step out of a fearful place and into a loving space around dating. A space where you can relax, take the pressure off meeting "the one", have some fun and dare to be you. 

With love,

X Vicki and Selina

Look who the new resident 'agony aunts' are over at Frame!

If you're following us online then you might have noticed that we have teamed up with FRAME as their resident 'Agony Aunts' this month!

For those of you in London, if you haven't heard of Frame then it's high time you did. They provide a whole new approach to fitness, making it fun, creative and exciting. In fact they were one of our top inspirations when we first started Project Love, so we are over the moon to be partnering with them.

Check out our first post on '5 ways to get more love flowing into your life' and there are more to come (we have Self Love for beginners later this week) so make sure you are following us on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook (or all three!) to catch them when they go live.

Then on the 20th November, we’ll be hosting a Twitter takeover @MoveYourFRAME, answering your questions and kicking off all sorts of conversations about love from 12-1pm.

Come and join us on twitter and send us your burning questions tagging @MoveYourFRAME @_ProjectLove_ and #frameagonyaunts.

And finally (phew what a month!) on the 26th November we'll be taking over Frame’s brand spanking new studio in Kings Cross, hosting a talk on 'How to be a Good Lover'.

Tickets can be brought here.

With love, from a very excited,

Vicki and Selina x

PODCAST SHOW | Project Love Real Love Stories | Vicki Interviews Sam Garas

It's time we invited the guys along to share their real love stories and first up we have Sam Garas, from East London. 

Listen in to hear Sam share his lessons in love where he talks openly about how he got together with his wife Alice, bonding over feminism, what surprised him about marriage, learning from each other and helping each other to grow.

Leave your comments below and if you enjoyed this podcast then share the love on Facebook, Twitter and beyond!

V x

My unapologetic self

Shani, this dazzling lady in the picture, is one of the many fabulous women doing our Get Ready for Love course. As she got to the end of the course recently she shared how it had empowered and changed her whole outlook, not just on love and relationships, but on herself (which is what Project Love is ultimately all about) and above all it had her finally realise how loveable she really is and that it was time to STOP APOLOGISING for being who she is.

We were so moved by her message that we wanted to share it with you too…so here it is, over to you Shani!

“There are many powerful lessons I will take with me from the course but here’s my “bottom line:

I am done apologizing for who I am, for my successes, my wishes, my dreams, what I want to do, and what I’d like to wear or eat.

I never thought I was one of those women who gave up parts of themselves, or made themselves smaller just for the sake of being with a guy or even just for getting through a date, but the Get Ready for Love course had me take a closer look and I discovered how much I’d been selling myself short, playing small and apologizing for being who I truly am.

I was my own worst critic, holding myself to ridiculous and unrealistic standards that aspire to perfection that had me believing that I did not deserve a good and healthy relationship because I wasn’t good enough.

Suddenly I was able to look back at the many times I had sat through dates and played myself down, all the times I felt hurt by a boyfriend, friend or relative, but didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make a fuss. The many times that I thought “he’s probably not interested” or “he’s probably not interested in hearing this” and how often I would say “I know this may sound stupid, but…”. All the times I felt my body or face were not pretty enough. All the times that I felt I wasn’t enough.

And here is the thing: I really am quite fabulous, if I think about it.

I am intelligent, I have interesting stories and experiences, I’m a good friend, a good listener, and I love my family. I can be super serious and I can be silly and funny. I get along with almost every type of person. I wish I could put ‘laughing until my stomach hurts’ under hobbies. When I love someone, either a friend or a lover, I love them with all of my heart, like 200% of it. I am also sensitive, creative, crafty, good gifts giver, know how to make amazing cupcakes and other stuff pretty well too. I like to travel, dance, yoga, meet new people, and I have the ability to be the last person on the dance floor at a party or a wedding without having a single alcoholic drink (I am a bad drinker). My closet contains too many sparkly clothes – because I once saw a saying: “life is a party, dress like it” and really identified with it. I had proven myself over and over again that I am determined and I can do whatever I set my mind to. SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I APOLIGIZING FOR??? Not sure. I am sure it is about me being a perfectionist (but not anymore) and criticizing myself like no one else would (not anymore), and just apologizing all the freaking time, to everyone, about everything (NOT.ANY.MORE). It has been so exhausting.

Now I feel free.

So for the upcoming months I am actively practicing being done trying to be perfect and being done criticizing myself for every little thing, and definitely being done making myself smaller than what I really am.

I don’t want to be with anyone who would feel intimidated by me anyway and I want my partner to be someone who empowers me while I empower him – a mutual growth and support through our shared life.

So thank you Get Ready for Love – you’ve been eye opening and inspiring and showed me that there are many more other fabulous women like myself around the world facing the same ups and downs in different ways and similar experiences. Selina and Vicki, you two are too fabulous to even start describing – your good energy is intoxicating!

And I hope each and everyone here will find her truest self and her truest love.

Yours,
The unapologetic, Shani
XX"

5 ways to stop your perfectionism from ruining your love life (Part 2)

So last week we looked at the ways your perfectionism could be getting in the way of finding love and making it last. Read Part 1 here. 

Following on from that, here is Part 2 which shows you the 5 things you can do about it:

1. Bookend your day with “coming home” exercises

Most of us lead very high pressured, stressful lives and we get into the habit of losing ourselves to other peoples demands and expectations and feeling the pressure to be “perfect” in everything we do. When we do that, we disconnect from our core authentic self. But no matter how far we’ve strayed from our core self, we can always return home. And this is what this exercise is all about - small "me time" activities that will allow you to return home, back to your authentic self. If you favour “getting shit done” over “me-time” then this one is for you...

• List out the small bitesize “me-time” activities that you can do every day that will allow you to return home, connecting with your true self e.g. yoga stretches, meditation, journaling, gratitude, walking, running, looking at a photo that brings you joy, setting intentions for the day, simply being aware of your breath for 60 seconds  

• Choose 1 thing from your list to start the day with and 1 thing to finish it with so you can start and end the day in the right way. E.g. my “coming home” bookend exercises are 10 minutes of meditation in the mornings (using the Headspace app) and a good old gratitude sesh in the evenings (writing down at least 5 things I’m grateful for using the Gratitude app). It means that I start the day on my terms, feeling calm and connected. Then no matter what happens during the day, I go to sleep feeling grateful (this is especially powerful if you can also be grateful for the negative as well as the positive things that come up during the day).

2. Detach yourself from outcomes in dating

The next time you get asked out on a date, go with an open heart and mind and leave the measuring stick at home! Instead of judging them on what they look like and how they come across, ask yourself how you feel when you’re with them? Use your feelings as your internal GPS system. By attaching yourself to how you feel rather than the end result, you can relax about the outcome, freeing you up to enjoy the experience instead. And it’s from this place then everything becomes so much easier and more enjoyable.

3. Talk to yourself like a best friend

Go easy on yourself, especially on those days where you’re feeling like it’s NEVER going to happen for you. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a best friend. If this is alien to you then imagine that your friend is going through it and she’s asking for some advice - what advice would you give her and how would you console her and make her feel better?

4. See envy as a form of inspiration

If you usually sigh when you see a couple holding hands or find it hard to be happy for the friend who’s just got engaged (as you’re secretly a little envious), then shift that energy into inspiration instead. They are showing you what it is you really want!

5. Practice being vulnerable

You can do this in really small ways like accepting compliments when they’re given to you, asking for help and support when you need it or smiling at strangers when you’re out and about e.g. on your way into work.

These are very small but very powerful techniques - try some of them on for size and let me know how you get on by leaving a comment below, or get in touch on FB or Twitter. 

Love V x

Is your perfectionism ruining your love life? (Part 1)

As a love coach, I do a lot of work with clients one-on-one to help them turn their love life around. While the reason for coming to see me is to help them find love, I spend a lot of time removing the blocks that are getting in the way, so they can clear the space for love to grow. One of the biggest blockers is something that we all seem to be struggling with. The pressure to be perfect.

The Sanctuary (yes the one with the naked swing) have revealed some pretty alarming stats about the modern woman. As part of their #LetGo campaign, they polled a panel of women and found that a shocking 7 out of 10 of us feel under pressure to be the “perfect woman”. And 80 per cent of the women they polled said that they put too much pressure on themselves to be perfect even though they accomplish an average of 26 tasks a day. And perhaps the saddest result of them all is that 80% of them don’t feel good enough.

And this is something that I see with clients on a regular basis. I predominantly work with single women in their 30’s who are successful in their lives and careers but are stuck in their love lives and don’t know what to do about it. Some of them are self confessed perfectionists and for others it’s more in the background. What lies at the heart of this pattern of perfectionism is the damaging belief that you’re not worthy and deserving of love, just as you are. And it’s self-perpetuating, as the more you believe that you’re not worthy of love, just as you are, then the more you perfect. And the more you perfect, the more you reinforce that belief to be true. It’s like a snowball, the more you reinforce it, the stronger it gets.

What does perfectionism feel like and look like?

Well on the inside it’s thinking that you’re not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough and not smart enough. It’s the disappointment you feel by not having achieved what you want to in love. It’s being highly critical of yourself and going into self sabotage mode when something bad happens. It’s seeing a couple holding hands in the street and thinking “I’m alone”. It’s blaming yourself when the guy you’re seeing says he’s not feeling it anymore and asking yourself “if I was better, would he still be with me?”. It’s the fear to reveal your true self on a date just in case he thinks you’re “a bit much” or not fun enough / not interesting enough / not cool enough. It’s that sense of urgency, that ticking clock and the feeling like you should be married by now and the fact that you’re not means there’s something wrong with you.

And on the outside, it’s going into “fix it” mode to deal with the hard stuff like vulnerability, or the emotional rollercoaster of online dating, working out strategies to conquer it once and for all. It’s not saying how you really feel so you can play it cool. It’s getting your measuring stick out after a first date and seeing how much they stack up against the guy on your perfect man checklist. It’s not expressing your needs so you don’t offend anyone. It’s saying yes when you feel like you can’t say no. It’s people pleasing. It’s not rocking the boat. It’s not giving too much away on a first date. It’s not opening up and letting your guard down for fear of being judged. It’s toning yourself down and playing small in order to be liked. It’s writing a guy off too soon if he doesn’t show you he can be your life partner after date 2. It’s being highly critical of others and judging them on how they look and what job they do and then gossiping about those things to friends. It’s performing to gain approval from others to win their affection like it’s a prize to be won. It’s favouring “getting shit done” over me-time. It’s being defensive when your parents collar you and ask why you haven’t found someone to “settle down” with yet. It’s priding yourself on never needing to ask for help. It’s brushing off compliments. It’s comparing yourself to friends who are married with babies and feeling like they’re winning the game of life and you’re losing it.

What this means is that we’re sacrificing who we are in order to be liked. We’re chameleoning our way through dates. And in the words of Brene Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection), “we’re hustling for our worthiness”.

All of this perfecting, pleasing, performing and proving is exhausting. And it’s blocking us from finding true love and meaningful connection with ourselves and with others. It’s making us unavailable to love, because we’re not being real. If we’re not “all in” in life and love - and I mean ALL IN (embracing the good, the bad and the ugly) - then how can we truly connect with someone else?

Yes it’s uncomfortable to be ALL IN but it’s so worth it. Like with any change in life, it’s a process that we can all work through, at our own pace and in whatever capacity we have right now. We’re imperfect, enough and an evolving work in progress.

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”

— Leonard Cohen​

Next week, I will share the 5 ways to stop perfectionism from ruining your love life, which forms part 2 of this post.

Love, V x

Get out of your Head and into your Body

Sometimes what we need the most is to get out of our head and into our bodies. Especially when the shitty committee is in town (that bitchy voice that points out our failures and flaws).

This is a key part of Getting Ready for Love because our bodies have such power. They allow us to access and release emotions that are getting in the way of love from flowing and they open us up to different sides of us (sides that have been perhaps dormant for too long).

And this is what our latest podcast is all about. Check it out and have a think of the ways that you can show your body some love. Let us know over on FB or Twitter which body love activities you're going to do!

And if you're stuck for ideas (and live in London) then we can't recommend Frame enough to get into the body-love-zone - we love Frame Rave and 80's Aerobics

Vicki and Selina x

When it comes to dating, give up the game!

One of the most damaging myths about dating, that we still find being bandied around, is the idea that it’s a game. It still amazes us how often we hear of people being told by their friends that it's a game and they have to learn how to play it!

That it’s all about learning how to look, how to act and how to manipulate in the right way if you want to find a man.

And there are plenty of books and courses out there that will show you exactly how to play the game and win it – ‘Own that guy in 60 days’, ‘How to catch a man and keep him’. Of course they all play by totally different sets of rules, just to complicate things further.

Here are just some of the common nuggets of advice we find people getting tangled up in:

• Don’t contact the guy first, always wait for them to make the first move
• Wait 24 hours to respond to messages
• Don’t answer emails on weekends or holidays
• “Disappear” in between dates
• Play it cool
• Play hard to get
• Go dutch on the first date
• Don’t go dutch on the first date – let him pay
• Don’t appear too available
• Be mysterious – don’t give too much away

Ultimately this approach to dating is all about avoiding being vulnerable and avoiding ‘messing things up’ to give yourself the feeling that you’re in control.

Imagine being on a date with someone playing that game!

Approaching dating like a game will only end in tears and immediately goes against everything we say about approaching dating in a loving way (we show you exactly how to do this in our Get Ready for Love course).

When you treat it like a game you are essentially trying to control and manipulate the situation and even the other person. You are having to calculate and watch your every move so that you come across a certain way. There is nothing real, nothing authentic, nothing loving about this way of doing things.

The moment you find yourself following rules when it comes to dating then you are essentially rejecting yourself and playing at being something that you’re not.

It’s a pretty crappy game.

So if you’re finding yourself playing any kind of ‘game’ when it comes to dating, then give it up.

Give up the game.

Instead stick to these three basic principles:

• Be real
• Be honest
• Be loving

Dating and life will become so much easier when you do!

x Selina & Vicki

Our online course Get Ready for Love is NOW ON SALE!

The big day has arrived!

We are so excited and proud to announce that our online course
Get Ready for Love is NOW ON SALE!

Check it out over here!

We've rustled up a sparkly sales page over here telling you all about it, but in a nutshell this is the course where we share everything that we have learnt over the past 2 years about how to really sort out your love life once and for all.

This course takes you on the same journey that Selina went on to transform her own love life and the one we've been taking women on ever since to show them a whole new way to approach love and relationships. One that really does work.

Now it's your go to take the journey too and see what it  does for your love life!

So head over here to find out more about this course and what it will do for you and sign yourself up to start your Get Ready for Love journey today - we can't wait to see what it does for you and your love life.

x Selina & Vicki

Is it our own pride that is messing up our love lives?

Selina takes a look this week at why she used to be so resistant to getting help with her love life and finds an uncomfortable truth lying at the heart of her answer. One that could help you if you're feeling stuck in your own love life...

When I think back to when I was single and well and truly stuck when it came to my love life,  it baffles me that I took SO long to seek out help.

Six years had passed by, with me enduring a disastrous love life, before I got help to sort it out.

Which is just weird when I think about it because I got help in all sorts of other areas of my life and none were as messed up as my love life!

Now you could argue that I didn't think our love lives were something any of us had any control over. And you'd be right - that is what I thought. But why did I think like that?

Why was I so reluctant to get help when it came to love? So insistent that I didn't need help, that nothing could help?

And I wasn't alone. Most of the bright, smart, successful women I knew who were stuck when it came to their love lives would spend plenty of time talking about their frustrations and would impart usually dreadful advice to one another about what to do about it, but wouldn't dream of going to a workshop, for example, to actually help them sort it out.

So why not? What is that all about?

Are we ashamed that we're stuck when it comes to love? Embarrassed that we haven't managed to get it sorted? Do we think it's some kind of sign of failure that as women we haven't managed to find success in love?

I've been pondering this all week and each line of enquiry comes back to the same thing.

The answer still makes me squirm because it was definitely what was going on for me and it's not a comfortable one to own up to:

It was all down to pride.

It was pride that told me to play it cool and not  admit that I longed to be in a relationship (that would just be embarrassing). It was pride that insisted that my frustrated love life was nothing to do with me, it was just down to bad luck. It was pride that had me avoid going on dates because it just seemed so cringey. And it was pride that had me believe that I should be able to figure this out alone and that needing help with my love life was a sign of failure.

I thought I was romantically putting my love life in the hands of fate and all along I was putting it in the hands of my pride.

And it was that that had me stuck in my love life more than anything else.

So if you're stuck in your love life then make sure that you haven't accidentally handed it over to your pride, because it could be that that is messing it all up.

How to tell if your pride is getting in the way of you finding love

• You don't think you need help sorting out your love life
• You would feel insulted if someone offered you a book that would help you sort out your love life
• You think online dating is for when you really have hit rock bottom and can sink no lower
• You don't see anything wrong with what you're doing when it comes to finding love, the problem is men/where you live/the society you live in
• You would rather stick needles in your eyes than attend a workshop that would help you sort out your love life

If any of that sounds like something you're guilty of then you have pride at play. And if that is the case then it's time to admit that you really do want to be in a relationship and that maybe, just maybe, you could do with some help to get you there.

x Selina

It's almost here!

Get Ready for Love - our brand new 30 day online course that will sort out your love life once and for all goes on sale THIS COMING WEDNESDAY!

Top 5 things to do when you really want to be in a relationship but it just doesn't seem to be happening for you

Just over a year ago I was getting into year number six of unwanted singleness...now look at me...you just never know what is around the corner!

Many of you know my story by now: I'm the half of Project Love that really struggled with my love life. For years. While Vicki barely spent a moment of her twenties feeling heart broken or without a boyfriend, I spent my twenties and early thirties in turmoil when it came to my love life.

I was not one of those people who breezily skipped through my single years feeling it was an empowered and conscious choice to be single so that I could spread my wings and fly on whatever whims caught my fancy (although I sometimes liked to give that impression).

I wanted to be in a relationship. And yet, no matter how hard I tried, I found myself landing nothing more than 2 month excitements that dwindled as fast as they'd sparked up, or worse, 2 year non-commital confusions that limped along until finally the other one decided to commit...to someone else.

So I know what it's like to be single for years wondering if it's ever going to happen.

As I blasted through my 30th birthday single and year after year passed me by, I started to think that maybe it just wasn't going to happen for me. I oscillated between a sort of valiant resignation (the rest of my life was great so maybe this was my appointed area of sufferance that balanced out the good stuff in all the other areas) and quiet sad despair.

So now as I return from a week away celebrating our one year anniversary in the sun, with a man who I love so much it still amazes me on a daily basis, who is at once the greatest friend, lover and dance partner I could ever wish to have, who makes me laugh more than anyone else in the world, who leaves me feeling totally secure, free and lit up in the way he loves me and with whom I'm soon to have a baby (6 weeks to go!), I want to send out a message to all of you who are starting to wonder if it's ever going to happen for you.

It can and it will happen for you. You aren't unlucky in love, there is nothing wrong with you, but there could be something wrong with the way you've been going about things when it comes to your love life and YOU have the power to change that.

Because I am living proof that you can turn things around no matter how hopeless you think it is and no matter how hard you've already been trying.

So today I want to share with you my top 5 tips on what to do when you really really want to be in a great relationship, but it just doesn't seem to be happening for you.

Here is how to turn it around:

1. Admit that you're stuck. Really stuck...and then get help

I could have saved myself years of heartbreak if I had just asked for help earlier and admitted that I was really stuck when it came to my love life. The problem was I was embarrassed to admit it. It felt like such failure. I would have been far happier admitting that I was stuck when it came to my career, my health, even my happiness, but not love. Surely that was something I was supposed to be able to just do. And so on I went, feeling sure that things would just magically change. If I hadn't finally admitted to Vicki just how stuck I really was and asked her to help me then I'm pretty sure I'd still be stuck in a singleness that I didn't want, making the same repeated mistakes again and again with the wrong guys. And Project Love would certainly not exist.

So if you're anything like I was and are hoping that things will just figure themselves out when it comes to your love life, then stop that immediately and admit that you are stuck and could do with some help. Then go out and find the right people to help you...we're here ready and waiting ;)

2. Find examples of women that really inspire you who are in great relationships...and learn from them

I struggled for a long time thinking that I was too intimidating for men and that guys didn't fancy women like me. I thought that if I wanted to be in a relationship I was going to have to tone myself down, change who I was and become a different kind of person - one that was desirable to men. So sometimes I tried that. It didn't work out well. What DID work was to find examples of women I loved - my kind of women - who also happened to be in great relationships. That was the inspiration and reassurance I needed to finally believe that it really was possible for me to be able to be ME and be in a great relationship.

3. Confront your fears and negative beliefs around yourself, men and relationships, when it comes to love

Now I look back I can't believe I thought I was 'ready and open to love'. It was like thinking I could grow roses in a bed of weeds. I had so much crap in the way that I just didn't see. So many negative, limiting and unhelpful beliefs around men, myself and dating. As Vicki and I started to dig we found more and more of it. And so we got to work on each of those limiting beliefs and blasted through them until that garden was free of weeds and I was ready to let love flourish in my life. After that it was only a matter of time...

4. Cultivate an amazing relationship with the most important person of all in your life: YOU

This is a topic that I NEVER grow tired of - it's my favourite part of our programme. Learning to love myself was the best thing I could have ever done. If that was why I needed to be single for so long - so that I finally found my way back to me - then I will happily take the years of frustration and heartbreak. Because having learnt to love myself and now making that a key part of my life has changed everything. Every thing.

Your whole experience of life changes when you become the source of love in your life and what I found, and what many of our clients have also since found, is that once you get into THAT, all urgency to be in a relationship fades away and then, of course, that relationship finally turns up.

5.     Welcome love in to your life rather than chasing it down

This was probably the hardest lesson for me to learn. I'm a natural go-getter in life - my success in most areas in my life has been down to the fact that I've gone after things and not stopped until I've got them. And so, naturally, I thought that if I applied that to men, eventually it would work...well you already know how that worked out.

A woman chasing after a man, no matter how subtle she might think she is being, really isn't that attractive. It's just not the feminine approach to life and if there is one area in life it's good to embrace the feminine, it's in our love lives. I thought for a long time that meant having to be more girly, weaker, subservient, just NOT ME. But that is NOT what being feminine is all about. There is so much power to our feminine side. All you have to do is sit still, happy and fulfilled and feeling loved in your own space, welcome love IN and people will come to YOU.

It's like a kind of magic. It's called doing it the feminine way ;)

And so there are my top tips for getting unstuck when you've all but given up hope on your love life.

If I can do it, then you definitely can.

If you are feeling stuck in your love and dating life then take a look at our definitive guide to finding love, 'Get Ready for Love' - the 30 day online course to revolutionise your love life. 

x Selina

Why we love this book & recommend you read it too…

Want a book that will challenge your very notions of love? One that will help you to see why and how so many of us have been getting ourselves into a pickle when it comes to love, relationships and dating? 

Then grab yourself a copy of The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm.

It will blow your mind.

And what’s even more surprising is that it was written in the 1950s.

Written by Eric Fromm, it’s considered a seminal piece in love and relationships and remains just as relevant today as it was when it was written 60 years ago. 

Why do we love it so much?

Well one of the most powerful messages in the book is that there is an art of loving and we can all learn how to be really good at it.  

Rather than running around trying to ‘win’ love from people, Fromm sees it as a skill that we all need to learn.  

He challenges the notion that love should be something that happens naturally and spontaneously. As if we should just instinctively know how to do it. Many of us don't! But even though we may agree with him, there is still such a stigma in seeking help in this area. And he says it is this that has us focusing more on how to be 'loveable' by acting in ways that we think will make us more attractive. When instead what we need to be doing is learning how to increase our capacity to give and receive love (both to ourselves and other people).

He takes a fascinating look at how our capitalist society has us approaching dating like we would shopping (and this was him writing 60 years before Tinder came on the scene!) and how that gets us even more stuck.  

And he gives a nod to that stark contrast between the initial experience of ‘falling’ in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or as we might better say, of ‘standing in love’.

And that was one of those 'aha' moments for us. 

STANDING IN LOVE.

Yes! 

We’re so used to the language in love being passive, things like 'I was swept of my feet', or 'I completely fell for him' so hearing this really stopped us in our tracks.

That initial experience of falling in love is so dreamy, we feel high on love, it’s the stuff Beyoncé sings about. We do indeed feel “Crazy in Love”.  But the 'falling in love' moment is fleeting by it’s very nature and whilst we lose that lusty 'falling-in-love' feeling as our relationships develop, we gain so much more when we are firmly standing in love.

This book taught us that we all have a capacity to love, which means that we can become skilled in love. If we just get over the stigma of asking for help, we can become love pros!

How much richer would our relationships be if we were less consumed with how loveable we were and instead learnt how to cultivate love with all those important people around us. And rather than spending energy on finding someone to love us, we shifted that energy into learning about what makes a good relationship. And isn’t the view much better when you’re standing in love? 

X Vicki and Selina

Are the love stories and fairy tales you grew up with holding you back in life and love?

Think of your favourite Hollywood and Disney love stories - the rom-coms, the tragedies, the classic fairy tales. The ones you were brought up on. The ones you loved.

Now take a closer look at what role the women have in those films and stories - the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, Grease, Dirty Dancing.

What messages are those Hollywood films and Disney fairy tales giving to us about what makes for a good, successful, attractive woman and what doesn't?

Because when you take a closer look at how women are portrayed in the vast majority of Disney animations, Hollywood films and the media, a shocking reality starts to emerge: women are still, by and large, being treated as objects. In fact even more so than we were in the last century. The message is loud and clear: as women, looks are still valued over intellect, values and character. We're not being seen, our true power and value as women isn't being recognised and the narratives we're being offered as women by these hugely influential powers are at best limiting and at worst damaging.

And if you think you aren't hugely influenced by these messages then think again.

This is what the the incredible star-studded documentary film 'Miss Representation' is all about.

Watch it and prepared to feel seriously fired up!

You'll see just how much your beliefs and judgements about you and other women and what makes us attractive or not attractive have been shaped by these limiting female narratives offered to us by Hollywood, Disney and the media.

You can watch the trailer here:
 

http://www.missrepresentation.org http://facebook.com/missrepresentationcampaign http://twitter.com/representpledge

And you can either buy or rent it here ($3.99 to rent) or watch it on Netflix if you're a subscriber.

Miss Representation had a huge impact on both of us when we watched it. We dedicated a whole podcast to it.

It really drove home to us the shocking degree to which our beliefs around what we thought we had to be like to be considered attractive and womanly, had been shaped by the media and the film industry. And not in a good way.

There is a serious lack of powerful narratives for women and it's having a huge and detrimental impact on the way we view ourselves and the way men view us. And men don't have it that much better.

This documentary set us both free in so many ways and we encourage everyone to watch it - women and men alike.

Because once you realise the limited and often damaging narratives that you've been fed by the media and film industry and how much these narratives have been influencing you, you have a choice.

You can choose to unplug from those narratives and start to write your own narrative of what it is to be a woman.

Narratives that empower you rather than limit you.

x Selina

P.S. when you watch it come back here and let us know how you found it!