Our top personal lessons on how to keep the love flowing when you're in a relationship

Last month Vicki and I both celebrated our anniversaries with our partners (must be something about May!) - Vicki celebrated 5 years (and is soon to get married) and I celebrated 2 years (and a baby!).

So we decided to use it as an opportunity to take a step back and reflect on what we have each learnt this year on how to keep the love flowing in our relationships.

And we decided to do it in front of a camera - our first Project Love VLOG!

We talk about having the courage to ask for what you need in a relationship (most people aren't mind readers after all!), the importance of self-care in a relationship and how easily a relationship is impacted when one or both of you aren't looking after yourselves properly. Vicki shares what she does when her relationship needs a bit of a reset and I talk about the lessons I've learnt this year on how to manage my anger and express it the right way .

And this one isn't just for the couples out there. I found when I was single that listening to conversations about how to keep the love alive in relationships and how to make relationships last, helped me to get clear on how I wanted to be in my next relationship and it really has made a big difference.

So I hope you enjoy the video and please share with us the lessons that you have learnt in love by leaving comments below.

Lots of love,

x Selina

Self-love for beginners

All too often we find people scrunching up their nose at the mention of self-love, as if it’s a bit cheesy and self-indulgent. But learning to love yourself is one of the most powerful and important things you can do in life. Your heart is your power and when you become the source of love in your own life it changes everything. Your relationships, your career, your health – they all flourish when you start to love yourself.

But while we all know deep down that it’s important to love yourself, we find the area that people get most stuck on is actually knowing how to do it.

At Project Love, we like to look at self-love as an art that can be practiced and mastered over time. When we practice self-love, we cultivate a loving and healthy relationship with ourselves and something magical happens – we become our own best friend.

As Oscar Wilde once said, “to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance”.
So how do we start that romance? How do we learn to love ourselves?

Well here are 7 ways you can start practicing the art of self-love straight away:

1. Nourish yourself

If you’re totally new to the practice of self-love then start with focusing on nourishing yourself. Nourishing your body is the most basic form of loving yourself, so this week become mindful of what you put in your body – give it what it loves. Start your day with a green smoothie, treat yourself to a raw chocolate snack and make time to cook yourself a nutritious dinner full of superfoods. The way we feed ourselves reflects how we love ourselves. So get good at nourishing yourself and you’ll lay strong foundations to self-love.

2. Take yourself out on a date

If you’ve never taken yourself out on a date before then make this the month that you do it. Solo-dating is all about spending quality time with yourself and doing something special, just for you. It is one of the most powerful (and fun) things you can do when it comes to practicing self-love. By doing something special for yourself – something you’d only normally do with someone else – you’re giving yourself the love and attention you’d normally only give out to others. You’re finally turning your love in on yourself. We’ve had clients do anything from treating themselves to coffee and a cake at their favourite cafe to taking themselves away on a spa weekend. Whatever people do, they always come away buzzing from it.

3. Start a gratitude journal

It has been proven that just by writing down 5 things that you’re grateful for each day, you can train your brain to be more positive, treating yourself to an overall feeling of happiness. It is a key tool when it comes to practicing self-love because it has us step into an attitude of gratitude, love and abundance.

So buy yourself a notebook and at the end of each day, for the next week, write down 5 things you’re grateful for and see how good it feels to end your day this way.

And as well as giving thanks for things that have happened to you that day and the people in your life that you’re thankful for, also include yourself in your gratitude practice. Find at least one thing you can thank yourself for each day and you’ll see your relationship with yourself shift into an incredibly loving place.

4. Make your body happy

It is essential when learning to love ourselves that we focus plenty of time and attention on our bodies. How we feel in our bodies directly affects how we feel in ourselves. Often feelings of loneliness and lack of love actually stem from our own disconnect with our bodies. You want to keep that gorgeous body of yours feeling energised and full of vitality. So it’s important that as part of your self-love routine you do things that make you feel great in your body; whether that’s yoga, running, 80’s Aerobics or dancing like Beyonce (a particular favourite of ours)!

5. Express yourself

It’s so important to find ways to really express yourself and feel free to be totally you. Whether it’s dancing, writing, singing, painting, acting, sculpting, cooking, making music, sketching, DJ’ing, pottery or poetry – everyone has something that does it for them. It’s often something we did naturally as children. It’s always something that makes us feel fully alive.

So what is it for you? When do you feel you can really let go and be who you truly are? If it’s not something you do at the moment, then think back to earlier years. What makes you come alive and really connect with the deepest parts of yourself? Now go and make time for it in your life. Whether it’s unleashing your inner Rihanna on the dance floor, singing like no-one’s listening or painting in big bold brush strokes, just for the fun of it, it’s essential that you make time to do the things that allow you to really express yourself from the heart.

6. Write a loving letter to yourself

Pick up a pen and with the same love and fondness you’d write to a dear friend, write a letter to yourself. Write about the things in your life right now that make you happy and the people in your life that bring you joy, inspiration and kindness. Reflect on how you’re feeling, give yourself a pep talk if you feel you need one and document your dreams and wishes for the future. If there’s something in your life that you’re struggling with at the moment, see what advice and encouragement you can give to yourself, celebrate your achievements and sign your letter off with love. Then pop that letter in the post and enjoy receiving it a few days later!

7. Shower yourself in feel-good vibes

We have far more power than we often realise to generate the feelings we want to experience in life, no matter where we are or what’s going on around us. We just have to learn how to tap into those feelings. An easy way to do it is to think back to a time in your life where you felt full of joy, happiness, peace or fulfilment – whatever it is you want to feel – and then find a photo of you from that time that really reminds you of what it was like to feel that way, so much so that you start to feel that way again just by looking at the photo.

Now put that photo somewhere where you’ll see it every day: save it as your phone screensaver or print it out and stick it up on your bathroom mirror. Whenever you need a boost to your day, take a look at that picture and let yourself bathe in those feel-good vibes.

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The one thing we always recommend to clients… and here’s why

In the ancient practice of Zen, there’s a lesson called ‘taking off your shoes’. It’s the first instruction that students receive when they start their training. By walking around barefoot along a wooden floor, they become exposed in a way that feels unfamiliar, a bit scary and probably a bit awkward. Anyone caught sauntering around the zendo will be told to stop by the zen master, who will instruct them to “pay attention to the bottom of your feet as you walk”. It is the start of a process of opening up, letting go of our usual defences (‘why the hell do I need to take off my shoes?’) and to detach from external signs of value (shoes). In becoming exposed in this way, the student learns how to become present in every step they take to discover their true value.

The practice of Zen is actually the practice of falling in love. And taking off our shoes is a metaphor for opening up and becoming available to love. It’s about releasing control, cultivating patience, being mindful of our actions (and how they impact others) and paying attention to the world we live in. And it’s more important than ever as research suggests that we’re lost in thought nearly 50% of our lives, probably getting swept away by our internal shitty committee (that judgy, critical inner voice… you know the one), which makes it very hard to be present in life. But there is something we can do about it, and it doesn’t involve a zen master and burning incense.

Becoming available to love is simply another way of being present and we can learn this through the practice of mindfulness. This is a key part of getting ready for love because if you want a healthy and happy relationship then it has to start with you. A happy relationship is found in the happiness of your own mind and life {TWEET}. Does this mean that we’re happy 100% of the time. Hell no. Mindfulness isn’t about stopping negative thoughts and feelings and chasing after the good ones, it’s about our relationships with those thoughts and feelings so that when we get knocked off course (which we all invariably do), we can pick ourselves up, bounce back quickly and get back on track. We can become the observer when things go tits up in life and this is the difference between watching a shit storm unfold and being in the eye of a shit storm.

As with most things we want more of in life (love, happiness, joy), it’s not a case of ‘finding’ those things, like a destination to get to, it’s about creating the right conditions for them to naturally arise. Through the practice of mindfulness, we can create the right inner conditions to support us through lifes ups and downs. 

There are many ways that you can practice mindfulness but there is one that we can’t recommend enough - the meditation app, Headspace. We are such big fans of these guys. Andy (a former Buddhist monk… who is a little bit dreamy) provides 10 minute guided meditations to help you sleep better, stress less and even smile more. It’s all through an app so you can meditate on the go and because it’s only 10 minutes, even us busy bodies can fit it in.

We’ve been recommending this app as the perfect accompaniment to our Get Ready for Love coaching package and online course since the beginning, which is why we are so excited to announce that the next 10 people that sign up for Get Ready for Love will receive 3 months free headspace subscription (worth about 25 quid). Woop!

Here is a beautiful visualisation on love from Andy to get you in the mood (plus a podcast on relationships)

“Becoming present is about stepping into the here and now and stepping into the stillness. It’s about becoming the observer. Accepting life exactly as it is right now. Accepting yourself exactly as you are and accepting all the feelings you’re experiencing right now. Without any judgement and without any expectations. Not trying to change or fix anything but simply being.”

— Project Love, Get Ready for Love

With love, Vicki x

PS we will email all lucky recipients with a unique code so you can start getting some headspace straight away!

PODCAST: Why ritual is so important to us and how to bring it back into our lives

I am so excited for you to listen into today’s podcast, because this week I got to interview the wonderful Tiu de Haan - a celebrant, writer and full-time inspiration when it comes to weaving ritual simply, but powerfully, into your life.

We first came across Tiu a few months back when we watched her TED Talk ‘Why ritual is still important’. I was so inspired and moved by what she was saying that I tracked her down and sent her an email saying ‘you’re amazing, can I interview you for Project Love pleeeeease?!’ and a few weeks later we were sitting in her flat in north London getting deep into conversation.

We talked about everything from why ritual is so important to us as humans, to what it was like marrying a woman to herself, how we can create simple rituals for ourselves in our own lives and the difference it can make when we do that…

I loved every minute of it and found that the more you hear Tiu talking about ritual and the power of it, the more you realise how important it is for all of us to get ritual back into our lives.

So download it here and as you walk to work, cook your dinner or get ready for bed, hit play, have a listen in and then come back here and let us know what you thought.

x Selina

P.S. For more Tiu wisdom and love, check out her TED Talk 'Why we still need ritual', her posts on ritual for Huff Post (she is a wonderful writer with a book on its way) and of course her website.

PODCAST SHOW | If you think finding love is all down to fate...then think again

This week we've opened up the juicy topic of fate. Is finding a loving partner really all down to fate?

We don't think so.

In fact we reckon that if you're putting your love-life in the hands of fate, then that could be the very reason why you're not finding it.

So in this week's podcast we decided to put fate into the hot seat, challenge the very notion of love as being something that is magically bestowed upon us...or not...by the mysterious hand of fate and instead show you what you can do to take your love-life out of the hands of fate and back into your own hands.

Or as Vicki put it 'grab your love-life by the balls'.

So hit play and listen in, or download from Soundcloud and let us know what YOU think. Is finding love down to fate or not?

x Selina & Vicki

You don’t complete me. I complete me.

We have a guest blogger for you this week in the form of the wonderful and inspiring Laina! This post was first written to us as an email and Laina didn't want it to be public at first but in practicing opening up and being vulnerable, she knew she had a powerful message to share with you. From one single woman to another...

After 12 months of investing time, money and energy into dating, I was still single and feeling rejected, unattractive and pessimistic about love.  I didn’t want to be feeling like this, and I knew it was time to get ready for love.

Having just turned 30, I was listening to all the ‘noise’ around me which was leading to a path of self-destruction. ‘Noise’ is what I refer to as those comments and questions that make you feel like you’re missing out on something ‘Why are you still single? You’re being too picky; if you want kids aren’t you worried about your age, it must be so difficult being single at your age’  It’s not helpful, it’s noise, and I needed to turn down the volume.

With my very settled friends living vicariously through my dating life, I would often make my dating disasters and my ‘single misfortune' the centre of conversations and the butt of all jokes.  At least I could laugh it off, I thought.  Secretly however, I knew I was in a dangerous mindset; I was starting to question myself, question what was wrong with me, and I'd get insanely jealous and resentful of all my friends who were in relationships.  It was like they had a layer of happiness that I just would never experience for as long as I was single.  I had got it into my head that a relationship would complete me.  We’ve all seen the Jerry Maguire film - 'You complete me. You. Complete. Me'.  Well, to the Jerry's out there, Project Love has taught me:  You don’t complete me, I complete me. 

I finished Project Love's 'Get Ready for Love' 30 day course with a fresh perspective of love and more importantly of myself.  The problem, I realised, was that for too many years i’d been listening to the ‘noise’; whether it was hollywood, society, friends or family.  I thought that being in a relationship was the ultimate measure of being a complete adult.  That being single would mean me constantly yearning for a man and always thinking that I was missing out on something.  With this mindset, I wasn’t ready for love, because I would always be choosing love because it’s better off than being alone.  That’s not love, that’s desperation and it’s settling.

Since completing the course, I’ve realised one thing:  I am already complete.  I love my life and I accept my flaws.  When I stopped and actually thought about my life decisions and the abundance of love I have from friends and family, I realised that I survive, enjoy and LOVE my life everyday without someone else needing to validate or complete it for me. 

By no means am I suggesting that the course has made me anti-relationships, I still can’t wait to meet a man who wants to experience life with me, but I know that I want to meet someone who feels the way I do about relationships.  I don’t want to play that role of trying to complete them. 

For those of you who are considering or are already part of 'Get Ready for Love', remember, YOU complete YOU.  Go out, remember to self-nourish, practice gratitude, go on a date with yourself and most importantly, love who you are. 

When you truly learn to love who you are, you will be complete.  

Laina X

30 books that could change the way you love and live

Most people have got at least one book that they can name that has had a profound impact on their life. That has inspired them to follow their dreams, make positive changes, approach their relationships in new positive ways or helped them to heal.

So we decided to ask our friends on FB and in the Love Tribe to tell us which books have really inspired them so that we could put together a list of books that can help to inspire you.

And here they are...
 

30 books that could change the way you live and love

1. The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
2. How to be a Free Range Human by Marianne Cantwell
3. Wild by Cheryl Strayed
4. What I know for sure by Oprah Winfrey
5. Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
6. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
7. Rising Strong by Brene Brown
8. Zen and the Art of Falling in Love by Brenda Shoshanna
9. Five regrets of the dying by Bronnie Ware
10. Money, a Love Story by Kate Northrup
11. The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod
12. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware
13. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
14. Steering by Starlight by Martha Beck
15. Women that Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
16. The Dance of Anger by Harriet G Lerner
17. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
18. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford
19. The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck
20. Linchipin by Seth Godin
21. Happiness by Design by Paul Dola
22. The 5 languages of love by Gary Chapman
23. Thrive by Arianna Huffington
24. Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
25. Essentialism by Greg McKeown
26. Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh
27. The Art of Extreme Self-care by Cheryl Richardson
28. How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran
29. The Examined Life by Stephen Grosz
30. Vagina by Naomi Wolf

So take your pick and let us know which of these books have inspired you (or any others you think we should add here).

x Selina & Vicki

If you haven’t been enjoying online dating recently, THIS could be why

I was coaching a client recently on online dating and how she was struggling to find the energy for it. She wanted the end result but in no way did she want the journey. It was all becoming a bit of a chore and every time she fired up Tinder, she felt fed up and frustrated. Each time she had a bad experience, whether it was a guy who was just after sex or being sent generic copy + paste messages, it would only confirm her belief that all men are disrespectful and it made her want to give up on online dating completely.

So here is the advice I gave to her and I wanted to share it with you too.

Know when to take a break from online dating

Because when you’re feeling disappointed, fed up, frustrated or resentful about anything in life, we’re likely to attract that back. Dating is an energy exchange between two people and so we must be mindful of the energy that we’re putting into it. By taking a break, we can prepare energetically so that we’re able to come back to it with good vibes and a positive spirit.

But what about the guys who are just after hook ups and all the other perils of online dating I hear you say? Well we can’t control how others act, but we can choose how it affects us and we’re better able to build up resilience so that we can deal with situations like this if we’re in the right headspace.

Disconnecting from online dating gives us the opportunity to reconnect with ourselves so if you’re feeling like it’s time for a break then why not indulge in a week of self-love (check out 50 ways to practice self love for some ideas!) or choose to spend time doing things you love with the people in your life who make you feel great. Maybe you’ll need a week off or maybe you’ll need a whole month off. Do whatever it takes to get you feeling fully refreshed, inspired and ready to date again.

Then when you are ready to date again, here are 3 ways to start approaching online dating in the most loving way possible to have less of those ‘urgh’ moments and a lot more fun!

1. Good intentions: Make sure that your intentions around online dating are healthy and realistic ‘To meet like-minded people I can go for coffee with’ is a much healthier intention than 'find me a husband” which puts unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations on your date and the whole dating experience
2. Mindful swiping: Rather than fitting in a Tinder session in those ‘dead time’ zones in your day (e.g. waiting for the bus), dedicate some quality time to it. Ask yourself how much time you’re willing to dedicate and commit to it like a new hobby. E.g. 20 minutes x 3 days a week using 1 dating app. Putting a time limit on it will make you more mindful of the whole experience
3. Be the energy you want to attract: If you want to attract in someone who is open, honest, loving, kind, available and respectful then it starts with you. Ask how you can bring that energy into your online dating experience so that you’re giving out what you want to attract. Woo yourself while you’re using dating apps! Turn off the TV and listen to music that you love, light a scented candle, wear red lipstick, <insert other woo’ing activity>. In doing this, you're raising your overall love energy and when you do this, you bring more love into the world. Because like attracts like, you'll get back what you put in

Love, V x

If you have a friend who really needs to hear this then forward this email or share the love on Facebook and Twitter

If you enjoyed this then check out our podcast ‘The Loving Way of Dating’ and if you enjoyed THAT then check out our 30 day Get Ready for Love online course, which has a whole section on approaching dating in a loving way!
 

Have you ever dreamed of starting your own business doing something you love?

Last week we shared an interview of Vicki and me being interviewed over on Passion Pods about what it’s like to start your own business and do what you love for a living.

This week we thought we’d share a bit more about what it really takes to quit the 9 to 5 and become your own boss and encourage you, if you’ve dreamed of starting your own business, to take that dream seriously.

Because we only dream of the things that are meant for us.

So you have to listen to those dreams.

But the dream of starting your own business is a BIG one.

It can be one of those dreams that we can dance around for years, never quite daring to pick it up, because it just seems…well too big.

So if that sounds like you, if you’ve always loved the idea of being your own boss and running your own show, then it’s time to get you started on that journey.

You don’t even need to know what kind of business you’d like to run yet.

All you need is a commitment to take action and a willingness to try stuff out.

That is how businesses are born.

That is how Project Love was born.

We just started doing stuff.

We started with small projects that got us excited, involved things we loved to do and tested out our ideas.

Our first idea – a course on helping women sort out their love lives – was tested out on 15 single women and was the basis of what later became Get Ready for Love.

At the time of doing it we didn’t even have a website and we certainly didn’t have a plan.

We just had passion for what we were doing, a commitment to following our hearts and a willingness to explore, experiment and get help and guidance when we needed it.

And that really IS all you need to start a business.

How do I know?

Because I started my first business aged 26 and over the past 10 years I have helped over 1000 people start their own businesses through online courses and 121 coaching programmes.

And what I’ve learnt in that time is that the key to success is action.

Don’t lie in bed trying to come up with a unique award-winning business idea that will make you rich quick.

You don’t need a unique, never-before-thought-of idea to be a success.

What matters most is you doing something that you love.

That is the secret to success.

So do things that help you to figure out what activities, people and places you’d love your working day to be filled with, what your strengths are and what you’d like to offer the world.

Don’t think about it. Do it.

By trying out ideas one project at a time, you will grow a business that is right for you.

And if you want to be shown exactly how to do that, then come and join me and the legendary Marianne Cantwell (author of the best-selling book ‘How to be a Free Range Human’) on our 6 week course ‘The Ideas Adventure’ starting in just a few weeks.

We run this course once a year and it’s all about how to come up with a business idea that is right for you.

It’s an amazingly powerful course. Not only will you go away with a process that you can use over and over again to help you grow your business, but you will find out so much about yourself, what makes you come alive and what your strengths are.

You will be surprised at how much you can learn and do in just 6 weeks. And how much fun you can have in the process.

I love running this course with Marianne because she has been one of my own business mentors for the past 6 years and every time we run it together magic seems to happen in our own lives and businesses!

(Here we are with Marianne coming up with some magic for Project Love not so long ago)

So if you’re ready to have some fun and figure out a business idea that is really right for you then sign your name up here  >>> THE IDEAS ADVENTURE

Marianne will send you more details about the course (emails will come from Free Range Humans) and you’ll be the first to hear when tickets go on sale (there is a very special 48 hour offer when it first goes on sale)

And if you have any questions in the meantime about the course then you can email me at hello <at> loveprojectlove.com

And then let’s make this the year you get your business idea off the ground!

X Selina

What it’s like to do what you love, start your own business and spread love for a living

This week we were interviewed by the wonderful Emily Chiswell of Passion Pods about what it’s like to do what you love, start your own business and spread love for a living.

We had such a good time doing the interview that we wanted to share it with you too. Plus Emily's passion and enthusiasm is infectious - you can't help but grin as you listen to her talk!

So whether you have always wanted to start your own business, are longing to do what you love for a living or just want to hear about how Project Love all began, then this is one to listen to on your way home today: http://www.passionpods.co.uk/passion_pod/86-project-love/

x Selina & Vicki

PODCAST SHOW | Top 10 Lessons Learnt from 28 Days of Self Love

We practiced self love for 28 days straight, along with nearly 1,000 other ladies all over the world (from London to Tel Aviv and Argentina to Arizona) as part of our campaign '28 Days of Love' (which launchd on Valentines Day this year) .

What we discovered really surprised us! One of the biggest learnings was how much our ego resists anything new and positive in our lives. Check out our podcast to find out more and hear our top 10 lessons learnt 

As always, we'd love to hear what you think (leave us a comment below / tweet us) and if you like it, share the love with the other wonderful women in your life

X Vicki and Selina

The secret to success? Having a team of empowered women around you

“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of successful women who have her back”

Imagine what it would be like to have a team of women in your life that are committed to helping you make your dreams come true.

Women who want to see you live a life you love, who know what projects you are currently working on, who cheer you on, help you when you get stuck and who are truly committed to you fulfilling your dreams and ambitions.

What would you do if you had a team like that behind you? What would you dare to have a go at, knowing that you had a group of women committed to supporting you and helping you along the way?

Well, inspired by Nisha Moodley’s Global Sisterhood Day (19th March), we want to get you having a go at creating a team just like that for yourself and your friends.

All you need to do is grab a couple of women that you think are great and invite them over for a couple of hours to get into some deep, meaningful and empowering conversations – sending them this blog post so that they know what it’s all about.

And don’t go thinking that this isn’t for people like you and your friends.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve never done this kind of thing before. It might be the first time you’ve sat down and shared about your dreams and ambitions in a group or talked openly about the things that are challenging you. The idea of it might even make you feel a little bit nervous or uncomfortable at first.

Even more reason to do it.

Because too many of us rush around in life thinking that we have to do it all on our own, never taking the time to stop and celebrate our successes with others or ask for the help that we need. It’s exhausting, it’s lonely and it’s unnecessary.

So when we create teams with other women and meet up regularly to share what we’re up to in life, what we’re wanting to make happen and the challenges we are coming up against, when we let other people support and help us, it really can make a huge difference to our lives and how we live them.

It certainly has done for me.

For the past two years I’ve met up with a couple of friends on a monthly basis to talk about what we’re up to in our lives, share and celebrate the good stuff that is going on and get help with the challenges that we are facing.

It has had a profound impact on each and every one of us in the group.

Our lives, careers and relationships have flourished in the two years since we started our group and it’s an incredible feeling to see how far we’ve each come in those two years and to know that we helped one another to get there.

Because when you know you have a group of women behind you, supporting you, you dare to go after the dreams that you might not otherwise have had the courage to go for. Because you no longer feel that you’re doing it alone.

So are you ready to give it a go?

Here is how to start your own group

1.     Shoot an email out to 2-6 women that you know (and think are great) and invite them to give this a go. Send them this blog post so that they get what it is about.

2.     Fix a date you can all do – if there is quite a group of you then use http://doodle.com/ to find a date.  

3.     Download Nisha Moodley’s guide to running a Sisterhood Circle (we now use this format every time we meet – it’s so simple and so powerful)

4.     Get some snacks in

5.     Let the teamwork begin

On the night itself

The purpose of the evening is for you each to have a chance to talk about what is going on for you in your life right now. What there is to be grateful for and a challenge you are facing at the moment in any area of your life. At that point the other women in the group can offer their compassion, support, love and any wise words or suggestions they have to offer that might help you deal with your challenge or even find a solution to it.

Aim to give each person about 20 minutes of air time.

At the end, each take it in turns to set an intention – an attitude you’re going to adopt or a commitment you’re going to make moving forward - that will help you to flourish.

And that is it.

All there is to do after that is book in your next meet-up and keep it going throughout the year and just see how your life flourishes when you have a tribe of women behind you.

As ever, let us know how it goes.

X Selina

3 awesome women that have inspired + shaped the way we think about love | In celebration of Women's Day

Happy #InternationalWomensDay!

To celebrate all things woman today, we wanted to share with you 3 incredible women who have inspired us over the years - both professionally and personally - and who have shaped the way we think about love

1. Brene Brown | It’s Brene for so many reasons! She has taught us about the power of vulnerability and the importance of revealing our true selves, even when we're shit scared to do it. Through the many books we’ve read of hers over the years. we’ve learnt about courage, compassion and connection and how they are key to living and loving authentically.

Brene is possibly Project Love’s most quoted woman - we talk about her in workshops, at speaking gigs, during coaching sessions and online through our courses and blog (so much that it’s getting a bit weird now..). If you know of her, you’ll know why. And if you don’t then check out her now famous TED talk to get acquainted

Our favourite Brene quote:
“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging”

Thank you Brene for giving us the gift of imperfection, for showing us how to dare greatly, how to live a wholehearted life annnnnnnd for the tools to rise strong when we fall.

2. Brenda Shoshanna | She is a psychologist, relationship expert , Zen practitioner and the author of a book that completely transformed our whole understanding and approach to love.

In Zen and The Art of Falling in Love, Brenda offers a unique understanding of love and relationships that is beautifully illustrated through lessons from the Zen practice (although you don't have to know anything about Zen practice to get it!). I’m not going to attempt to summarise these as it would take me all day - both mine and Selina’s copy of this book have notes, scribbles and pages folded on pretty much every page, it’s THAT good.

But I will share with you one of the key lessons from the book and that is to look inside of ourselves for the love that we seek. There is nothing to fear in opening up to love, but everything to gain.

“When we sit, we open our own treasure house. Rather than do this, however, most of us first seek to find the treasures another person can provide. We calculate their value to us. When we approach relationships in this manner, we are coming as beggars, seeing the other as a source of supply. When we can enter a relationship with our treasure house already open, there is no end to the wonders we can find, both within and between ourselves and another”.

3. Marianne Williamson | Selina and I were lucky enough to see her speak last Easter, she speaks with such an urgency that I’ve never come across before. Her book “A Return to Love” was released back in the 90’s but it’s still as relevant today as it was then. Based on the metaphysical text “A Course in Miracles”, she makes the distinction between fear vs love and that we can’t have one without the other.

“Love is to fear as light is to dark; in the presence of one, the other cannot exist. So wherever there is a place of fear in your life, think of one thing -- even if it's just a thought you can think, where you can generate love to cast out the fear.”

When we’re feeling stuck in love, she says it’s rarely through a lack of love and rather, a mental block to our awareness of its presence. This thinking inspired a lesson in our Get Ready for Love course called “Love is all Around You”. If we take our focus away from where love is lacking in our life and turn our attention and focus on where love is flourishing and growing in our life already then we can train the mind to focus on the good shit (rather than focusing on the bullshit.. which we all have a tendency to do sometimes, right?). This shifts us from a mindset of lack and scarcity into a mindset of abundance. And how do we do that? Through the practice of gratitude (here is an app that can help you get into the gratitude groove).  

Through Marianne, we have learned about the power of forgiveness and how it is the most important practice in any journey of healing. But she reassures us that it’s not always easy! It starts with willingness, we can be willing to forgive those that hurt us because when we don’t, the only person we punish is ourselves. It is the purest act of love there is.

These three women have had SUCH a big effect on us and how we think about love and life and it’s such an honour to share them here with you.

Who are the women that have inspired you - comment to let us know! Let’s celebrate them and let’s celebrate each other today.. and every day that follows actually..

Vicki x
    
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"Project Love’s Selina Barker And Vicki Burtt: The Relationship Gurus Women Need Right Now"

Thank you to the gorgeous Naomi from LifeStyle Edit for this beautiful piece on Project Love and her own personal experiences of looking for love.

Read it here: http://www.thelifestyleedit.com/project-loves-selina-barker-and-vicki-burtt-the-relationship-gurus-women-need-right-now/

Why it’s good to sulk in the name of self-love

When it comes to self-love we can all too easily fall into the trap of thinking that it is about feeling happy and positive twenty four seven.

That that is somehow the goal.

To never have a bad day and always have a smile on your face.

But being positive and happy 100% of the time is unrealistic and not at all what self-love is about. 

Try being happy and only ever having positive thoughts and feelings and you will suffocate yourself.

Self-love is not about being happy all the time. It’s about being real - tweet it!

So when you’re having an off day and feeling crappy, the self-love way is not to try and run from it or cover it up (that will actually just make it worse). The self-love way is to lean into it, sit with whatever you’re feeling. Embrace it. Welcome it in.

Because as you embrace and honour how you’re feeling, you embrace and honour you. As you lean fully into how you are feeling, you lean more fully into you.

And that is what self-love is all about: accepting yourself fully, exactly as you are and exactly as you are feeling, in any given moment. 

But even more than that, really feeling your feelings gives you power. 

Because when you listen in to your feelings, without judging them or running from them, and instead ask 'Where is this coming from? What can I learn?' you will find that these feelings can act as powerful guides - showing you where you need to change something - either in your life or in your attitude. Or where you simply need to practice more self-love.

Using your negative feelings in this way is a key tool in creating and living a wholehearted life. 

It's also incredibly liberating. There is something deliciously rebellious about being allowed to sulk in the name of self-love.

 So next time you wake up on the wrong side of bed and feel in a funk. Don’t fight it. Lean into it. Wrap it up in love and discover what these feelings are here to teach you...

Here is an exercise to help you do it:

Step 1: Let yourself FEEL how you’re feeling

Take a moment to sit quietly with your eyes closed.Then say out loud how you're feeling:

'I feel... <insert feeling>'

Keep repeating it, gently, over and over and feel the weight of it lifting as you start to fully embrace how you're feeling without resisting it, judging it or making yourself feel bad for feeling it.

Step 2: What is triggering these feelings?

When you’ve got comfortable with how you’re feeling and have fully allowed yourself to be with it, then you can explore where these feelings are coming from, what they are showing you and what you can do about it.  

It might help to write things down as you do this.

Here are some questions you can use to help yourself identify why you are feeling like this, what has triggered this feeling and what you can do about it. 

·      Where is this all coming from?

·      Did something specific happen that made you feel this way?

·      Is there an area of your life that just isn’t making you happy?

·      Has someone hurt or upset you with something they have said or done (whether they meant to or not)? 

·      Are you the one making yourself unhappy with unrealistic expectations, by being too harsh on yourself, piling on pressure, comparing yourself to others, criticising yourself?

·      Are there things out of your control that are upsetting you?

Step 3: What can you do about it?

Once you’ve identified where these feelings are coming from, ask yourself what can you do about it? How can you deal with this situation in a positive and loving way?

·       Is it time to bring about a change in your life, big or small? What can you do to get that started?

·       Is there something missing from your life that you need to bring into it, like creativity, a daily spiritual practice or exercise? What can you do to get that into your life starting this week? 

·       Has someone hurt you and you need to have a conversation with them? How can you approach it with love and compassion?

·       Have you been hurting yourself by being too harsh on yourself, comparing yourself to others or putting unrealistic expectations on yourself? If so, how can you make it up to yourself? What messages of love, support and forgiveness can you offer yourself right now? 

·       Do you need to simply surrender and accept that there are things right now that you cannot change? In which case what can you do to give yourself the love, nourishment and support you need, as you go through this challenging time?

Once you have come up with a positive step you can take, all is left is to go and do it. 

It is a simple practice but so powerful and  as you get more into it you will find that you start to actually value your funky days and those negative emotions and  will stop seeing them so much as 'negative' and you'll start seeing them more as feelings that are here to guide you.

So give it a go next time you are feeling sad, upset or angry and let us know how it goes!

X Selina

50 ways to practice self-love

In 3 years of helping women get ready for love and make love last, we’ve found that success and confidence in love usually boils down to one thing: Self-love.

But while most of us know that self love is important, the challenge is knowing HOW the hell to actually do it!

So to celebrate the day of lurrrrve, we’ve compiled 50 ways that you can start flexing that self-muscle and make Valentine's Day all about YOU. Because you are really really awesome.

1. Buy yourself flowers
2. Make yourself a playlist that makes you happy
3. Take yourself off to an exhibition
4. Cook a delicious dinner just for you
5. Treat yourself to a bubble bath and a good book
6. Wear bright red lipstick for the day
7. Enjoy a Sunday lie in
8. Walk in the park listening to an audio book
9. 20 mins meditation snuggled up in bed
10. Write a love letter to yourself
11. Take a nap
12. Visit a place that inspires you
13. Pyjamas and trashy mags night
14. Walk along the canal
15. Write down 10 things you’re grateful for today
16. Take yourself out for tea and cake
17. Breakfast date with yourself
18. Make yourself a superfoods smoothie
19. Eat ice cream in bed
20. Dance round the flat
21. Sing in the shower
22. Watch a TED talk to feel inspired
23. Go to a yoga class
24. Cycle to visit a friend
25. Treat yourself to a massage
26. Catch a morning dance class before work
27. Learn to roller skate in the park with friends
28. Do your nails (or get them done)
29. Have a craft evening - make something for your home
30. Buy yourself a box of dark or raw chocolates
31. Listen to an uplifting podcast on your way to work
32. Start reading a new book
33. Watch your all time favourite film
34. A night playing or listening to live music
35. Make yourself breakfast in bed
36. Enjoy a rom-com and a pamper night
37. Try out a new recipe
38. Borrow someone’s dog for the day
39. Morning run
40. Buy yourself a gift for £10
41. Sunday papers in PJs
42. An afternoon taking photos of things you love
43. Evening without phones, laptops, ipads, TV - anything with a screen!
44. Have an hour longer in bed
45. Take a trip to a place you’ve always wanted to visit
46. Walk around all day like you’re Beyonce
47. Treat yourself to a solo date at the cinema
48. Do something that makes you laugh
49. Snuggle in with a cup of tea in bed
50. Buy yourself new lingerie

And with that, a very happy happy Valentine’s from us!

We’d love to see what you get up to - let us know on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter using the hashtag #28daysoflove2016

x Vicki and Selina

Self-love: a Mama’s Secret Weapon

Brene Brown said it: “You can only love your child as much as you love yourself”

Ouch.

Whether you’re a mother or not, that statement is a hard one to swallow.

Because most of us know that the love we want to give to our children is far more than the love we give to ourselves.

And it’s really no surprise. Because most of us have not been brought up to recognise the power and importance of self-love, even less so when we become parents.

As mothers we are hard-wired to believe that to be a 'good' mother we should think only of our children. That we shouldn’t need to practice self-love, that we shouldn’t need anything more than the fulfilment of being a mother. Our families come first and our role as mother should be all the fulfilment we need.

But that couldn't be further from the truth.

A mother who doesn’t feed herself up on love and who doesn’t practice powerful self-care, isn’t some kind of dream mum. She is a mother on a short fuse, a mother who will get easily frustrated and secretly resentful at the demands of her family, a mother who will burn out on a regular basis and have little to give at the end of the day, to herself, her partner or even her kids.

Neglecting her own needs so that she can focus on the needs of her children, sacrificing her own happiness so that she can be the ‘good’ mother, doesn’t work.

What works is learning to love yourself. To take that delicious and abundant love that you pour into your children and turn it in on yourself too.

Because a mother who looks after herself and her needs, who nourishes herself, who takes care of herself and who feeds herself with love, is a mother who is happy.

And a mother who is happy, creates a happy and healthy home for the rest of her family.

Self-love is this mother's power.

She knows that when she is practicing self-love and self-care, she is filled up and has plenty of time and energy to give to her family. She knows that when she is taking care of her own needs she is much better at recognising and taking care of the needs of those she loves. And above all, she knows that when she is practicing self-love, she is showing her children how to do it too. And that is the greatest gift you can give to any child, because it is the key to a happy and fulfilled life.

So practicing self-love and deep self-care when you are a mother, isn’t just a nice-to-have and it certainly isn’t self-indulgent. Quite the opposite. Learning to love yourself as a mother is the best thing you could possibly do for you and your family.

So how do you do it? How do you learn to love yourself?

Well, at Project Love, we get people started on what we call ‘Daily Acts of Love’: doing just one conscious, loving thing for yourself each day.

It could be making sure you feed yourself with a nourishing breakfast as well as the kids, treating yourself to a soak in the bath at the end of the day, buying yourself a bunch of flowers.

Just doing that one loving thing for yourself each day makes ALL the difference. Because with each act of love, you are giving yourself the message that ‘I matter, I care, I am loved’. And that alone can change everything.

It really is that simple and that powerful.

Which is why we have launched #28DaysofLove2016 - a free self-love campaign that gets you into the habit of doing one loving thing for yourself every day and discovering just what a difference it makes when you start to do that.

It kicks off this Sunday and we want to invite mums everywhere to join in.

So pop your email below, send this post around amongst the mamas that you know and let's start teaching our kids how self-loving is done!

X Selina

(Co-founder of Project Love and mama to little Sammy)

You can also grab your free Self Love for Busy Women audio workshop here.

We are hijacking Valentine's Day with #28daysoflove2016 - JOIN IN!

via GIPHY

Waaaaaaah we are so excited!

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and as ever we have hijacked it.

And this time we have gone ALL OUT and created something really special for you all.

Get ready for...

#28DaysofLove2016 is our brand new online campaign designed to get you, and all the amazing women you know, hooked on self-love by discovering how simple and how powerful it really is.

Because what we’ve found is that whilst we know that self-love is important, the challenge is knowing HOW the hell to do it. And that is what this campaign is all about. It will show you how to start exercising that self-love muscle so that it becomes a natural part of your day to day.

It’s super simple to use and really fun to do.

And it's free!

Check it out over here

We genuinely cannot wait to do this course ourselves and we hope you’ll join us!

All you have to do is pop your name below and you're ready to go!

x Selina and Vicki

Designing a Life of Love in 2016

We’re celebrating Valentine’s day this year by inviting ladies, single and in relationships, to join us at Frame to talk about ‘How to design a life of love in 2016’.

This is a topic that we're SO passionate about and one that Selina has been teaching for over 10 years. The key message being that living a life you love doesn’t happen by accident. It’s up to you to design it that way.

That’s why, when we’re helping women to get ready for love, we make sure they are taking full charge of their own lives and their happiness.

Because we are each responsible for our own happiness, it’s no-one else’s job. And when you take your life in both your hands and realise that you are the artist that creates the life that you are living, life suddenly becomes incredibly exciting and full of possibility.

So what would a life full of love look like to you? And how do you go from having a picture of what you want your life to look like to actually making that the life you live?

Well, that is what life design is all about. It teaches you how to first figure out what will make you feel happy, fulfilled and truly alive in life and then how to fill your life up with those ingredients.

BUT. And this is a big but. Life design is NOT about creating a vision of a perfect life and then trying to force your life to look exactly like that. Not at all. Life design is about approaching life like an artist.

Artists often have a vision of what they want to create, but they allow that vision to shift shape and take new directions as they go. They allow for accidents to happen, they’re not afraid to make mistakes. They learn from all of it. And that is how we encourage people to approach the art of life design.

Get clear on what makes you happy, yes, but also get curious about what makes you happy.

Experiment. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

Enjoy having a vision of what you want to create, yes, but remember not to get too hung up on exactly what that life should look like.

Design a space in which you will thrive and then see what grows in that space.

We’d love you to join us on the 14th Feb at Frame Shoreditch to learn how to design a space in which you can thrive and feel full of love in 2016.

BOOK NOW: How to Design a Life of Love in 2016, 14th February.

X Selina and Vicki

The 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' guide is here!

We have a little end of year gift for our Project Love followers that we wanted to get to you before the Christmas madness sweeps you away altogether.

It's an end-of-year exercise called 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' that Selina first designed back in 2010 and that we and our friends now do every year to mark the end of one year and begin the next.

It's such a beautiful and powerful way to give thanks for the year we have just been through (even with the challenges and heartache it may have involved) and step into a fresh new year feeling excited, inspired and empowered. And so we wanted to share it with you so that you can do it this year too.

The exercise itself is simple to do and a beautiful process to go through. It takes you through a series of questions that have you reflecting on the year that has come to an end: the highs, the lows, the laughter, the tears and all that you've learnt along the way. And then it takes you through a simple life design process where you look to the future and decide what it is you want to create next in your life, setting an intention that inspires you with practical commitments to do daily, weekly, monthly and at least once inthe year that will bring that intention to life.

Last year when Vicki did it she marked her intention for the year ahead as "making positive contributions and making a difference. F*** it, changing women's lives!". Well it's been an amazing year for Project Love and Vicki's been getting great testimonials from her 121 clients which show just how much she's been fulfilling on her intention: "I can't really explain how it happened or what Vicky did but over the course of the six sessions and through the communication between each session, I came to feel not just better about the break-up but 'better' and happier in myself than I think I ever have done." Whoop!

Meanwhile this year Selina is making it her year of 'TEAM' because with a little 5 month old baby and big ambitions for Project Love next year, creating loving, supportive teams with her boyfriend, family, friends, and of course Vicki, will make it a year in which she, her baby, her business and her relationships will all flourish. The very idea of it gets her feeling excited and full of love.

So what will have you flourish this year? What do you want your 2016 to be all about?

Come and join us in doing the 'Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016' guide and find out.

As this is a gift to our Project Love followers then you'll either find this already delivered to you via your inbox and if you're not signed up to our delicious love bytes then sign up here and we'll send you Goodbye 2015, Hello 2016 right away!

We hope you love it as much as us and do let us know here in the comments or over on Facebook or Twitter what you're going to make your 2016 all about and why. We love hearing what other people are going to do and sharing your intention gives real power to it...just try it and you'll see ;)

X Selina & Vicki